Sunday, January 3, 2010

phootball phriday: minutes before week 17 edition

the regular season ends tonight when bart scott decapitates carson palmer (worth the fifteen yard penalty) and the jets march into the playoffs. but since i've been wrong about the jets before this year, i'm gonna leave it up to the gods. so this one isn't a "pick", per se. more of a buffalo 66 situation where if jay feeley blows another game i'm gonna walk into his strip club and have a vivid waking dream of blowing his brains out. then i'll go home and spoon christina ricci.

if you want to make some money, find a legitimate gambling site based in barbados or something, and gamble on sports. if you have an addictive personality, like many of us, you'll never understand how you enjoyed football without it.

many of you may never understand how anyone enjoys football at all. to y'all i say, go ahead and enjoy your sunday. like many millions of my countrymen, i will be drunk by sundown.

the browns favored over jacksonville? please. brady quin is a certified bum, as his younger doppelganger jimmy clausen will surely be. true, the browns are only one and a half point favorites; but this mangini-driven trainwreck will close the season on a pathetic note, as mangini-driven trainwrecks tend to.

dallas is a three point favorite over the eagles, and i think that's just crazy. for some reason, philly never gets the respect they deserve. deshean jackson is the new randy moss. throw in a healthy brian westbrook, and the screen pass game he brings, and i'm not sure dallas has a chance. the only way for the boys: sneak TO in by having him wear roy williams' jersey.

the ravens will probably beat oakland. but not by ten points. oakland has won some stupid games this year, games against teams that absolutely shouldn't have lost to them. also don't let the hype fool you, the ravens defense has not done the job this year, and joe flacco isn't quite as good as he appeared last year. baltimore fails to cover the spread. JAMARCUS FTW!

titans are six point favorites against the seahawks. this isn't a big enough spread. vince young has lost only one game as a starter this year, and it was a relatively close call to peyton manning and the once-undefeated colts. young is going to "come out of nowhere" next year to lead his team deep into the playoffs, and in the process he's going to show that a mobile quarterback with a so-so arm and a god-awful release point can excel in today's NFL. this will make room for tim "i write bible verses on my eye black" tebow, who is going to crush at the next level, maybe in some wildcat type offense, maybe located in florida... vince young covers the spread, matt hasslebeck finally retires?

and that's my last lock of the regular season. take my advice, or remain helpless and poor. whatever.

No comments: