Phootball Phriday: long weeked edition

so yeah, last week was bad. i pick the eagles to walk over the cowboys, and philly gets shut out. i pick the browns to drop their last game, and josh cribs runs them to their fourth straight win. i thought tennessee would cover a six point spread easily, and they failed to. yuk yuk yuk.

well, ok bitches, maybe you should just bet against my picks. like i give a fuck. the jets backed into the playoffs, which has put a pleasant, not cold-as-shit veneer all over everything this week. lucky for them, they go up against a team that they beat 37-0 all of five days ago. this is sort of favorable.
as for cincy, ever since chris henry got himself thrown from the back of a pick-up truck (always one of my favorite hobbies, riding in the back of pick-ups; had no idea i had cheated death so many times), the bengals clearly miss the compliment to ochocinco. without henry, cincy might have the most vanilla offense in the entire playoffs, which also bodes well for the jets' crazy-ass defense.
working against the jets is the fact that the game is being played in cincinatti, and marc sanchez still sucks for the moment. expect to see a lot of brad smith, a lot of punts, and a game determined by whether or not sanchez can loose it all by himself.
jets are two point underdogs. of course i don't like this, so fuck the bengals. jets by one million and fourteen.

the other saturday match-up is another where just last week the same two teams played and one looked like shit. i went with the eagles last week, because i thought their offense would be near impossible to contain. i feel even more certain of this after last week's embarrassing defeat. the eagles will not be shut out two weeks in a row by the same defense. swear to god.
philly's biggest problem would seem to be their linebackers, and look for dallas to exploit this weakness with their run game and with jason witten.
dallas' biggest problem? texas is full of fascists. eagles by ten.

the ravens should have beaten the patriots already this year. they lost that game, because there was a late 15-yard penalty for looking at tom brady cross-eyed (or trying to take him out below the knee, whatever). this time, wes welker is hurt. all you have to do is look at the way the patriots offense performed at the beginning of the season without welker. suddenly, you can afford to pressure brady, his timing is off with everyone else, plays don't develop long enough for randy moss to get down the field; totally different team.
while i would love to see the jets beat the patriots in the AFC championship, i would rather see the jets not have to play the colts next week. both wild cards advance. ravens by four.

finally, the packers may have made the cardinals look overmatched last week, but kurt warner has christ behind his arm. this is the kurt warner/tim tebow blessing, which outspoken evangelist quarterbacks utilize in order to play better than everyone else in a transparent attempt to mock and belittle atheists everywhere. well played, god. well played. cardinals win a shootout.