Sunday, November 18, 2007

John Mayer loves to whip you

Look, it's too easy, but when you turn your celebrity-bashing site into a media forum I have the right to criticize your opinions. Especially when you become a promoter for artists. And the artist is hilariously "Serious."

Say what you need to say about him as a person, John Mayer does make really pretty songs.

Ugh. This smacks of a payoff. Internet payola is a horrible thing.

We LOVE pretty songs!

I understand that Perezhilton needs writers at this point, but really?! So well written, so easy to digest, yes, someone dropped some dough on this piece.

Say is a tune Mayer wrote for the upcoming Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman film The Bucket List, and it’s quite majestic.

There’s a full string section and everything!

Wow, a full string section! That's unbelievable! I've never heard of such a thing. In the history of rock, folk, blues and pop, I have never heard of a combination of singer/songwriter with a full string section.

Can I say that this Perezhilton blurb is getting weirder and weirder. And now we, the readers of his blog, become little tasty consumers, like tiny hotdogs wrapped in a delicate and flaky breading.

He may wannabe a rocker but John Mayer is a sensitive tunesman. This is a great new love song to add to his collection.

Enjoy Say below, exclusively on PerezHilton.com.

Ughghghghgh. You do know what exclusively means, right? It means that Mayer's people signed a deal with Perezhilton, and the readers of his blog are being programmed to enjoy.

Fuck you perezhilton, you have become part of the machine you once mocked. Not too hard to believe though.

Also, the idea that John Mayer is a sensitive tunesman is just awesome considering his most famous hit, "Your Body Is a Wonderland" is a pervert tour-de-force. Remember these gorgeous verses?

we got the afternoon, 
you got this room for two.
one thing i've left to do,
discover me discovering you.
Still makes my skin crawl. This also makes no sense whatsoever. The last thing John Mayer has to do before engaging in coitus is you, the object of his affection, watching John Mayer discovering you. I'm trying to write this coherently, but it still doesn't wash. I understand his need to finish the rhyme scheme, but holy shit. How about: "One thing I've left to do, an afternoon of discovering you." See, it even references the first line of the verse. Soooooooo creepy.

And the chorus? Obviously written by a master fetishist.

Your body
Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland
While it's a relief that he'll only be using his hands (no toes or footplay please) the fact that this thought is in parenthesis leads me to believe that he has darker intentions planned for the future.

Your body
Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my clamped nipples)
Your body Is a wonderland
His darker intentions are revealed with every visit. Beware John Mayer, beware!!!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Oh God Just Do Some Research!!!

As part of yesterday's Pitchfork headlines: My Bloody Valentine Reunion!

Hooray and all, but goddamn it can you try not to propagate a popular myth?!?

People, it's on. Dust off your tremolo pedals, don your best pair of kicks, and get ready to gaze like its 1991.

Do you know how many guitar pedals Kevin Shields used, even on Loveless? One, the Yamaha XPS 90. According to old Kev, he used pure volume and the built in tremolo bar in his Fender Jaguar as well.

He does not use a fucking tremolo pedal. A tremolo pedal causes the actual sound to cut in and out. I can't remember A SINGLE MBV song that uses the the tremolo pedal effect.

This is what made MBV technically superior to its shoegaze counterparts. Ride, Slowdive, Lush, they were fucking made of guitar pedals as far as I'm concerned.

MBV did it better and with only two guitars usually. Overdubs were for pussies.

I know you were trying to be clever, but do some research. It's a tremolo BAR, not a pedal. There is a huge difference.



Sigh.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Shes longevity it's icredible she's freshness more

I'm loving this Future Rock Hall page. Today we will have a discussion with fans of the Hall concerning one Ms. Donna Summer.

One good friend we will need is Senor Suspension of Disbelief. He is a nice fellow who helps you enjoy the ridiculous, surreal opinions that any writer or person tosses around. Especially crazy fans who think that Halls of Fame are the be-all-end-all of any persons career. This should drive me crazy.

Let me start by saying this is the ROCK AND ROLL hall of fame. This is the first post after the new nominees were announced.

Posted by Joe on Monday, 03.12.07

Like it or not, nobody defined a type of music singlehandedly any better than Donna Summer defined disco.

WOO HOO HOO!!! NICE!!! Rock and roll is not disco. Disco grew out of the cold, lifeless grooves of Kraftwerk, mixed with the rhythmic vigor of Motown and Stax recordings. Disco's foundation lies in the Rhythm and Blues hall of fame.

Anyways, fuck this shit. She's an R'n'B artist. Rock came out of R'n'B, Doo-wop, Country and Bluegrass music. How did an R'n'B artist deemed the "Queen of Disco" suddenly become a rock and roll artist? Perhaps a brief journey into Donna's past is necessary to fully understand her Rock and Roll roots...

-born in Boston, Massachussetts. Unfortunate home to Aerosmith, Dispatch, and strangely, not Boston the band

-grew up singing gospel. In a church. And then played briefly with a rock group!!! This it is, this must be where the rock and roll snow ball becomes a rock and roll avalanche!!!

-she moved to New York to sing in musical theatre. Nope. No rock, no roll. I'm waiting.

-she moved to Europe and performed in the German cast of "Hair." Ask any novice rock fan this question: What single action would make a person the antithesis of rock and roll? The answer is the first sentence in this bulletpoint.

-She joined the Viennese Folk Opera. Remember the question I posed in the last bullet point? This bulletpoint is that bulletpoint's true answer.

-She works with pioneering Electro-dance-disco producer Giorgio Moroder to create sleek and sexy pop hits full of keyboards and Linn drum machines. Wow. This is going nowhere. With each bulletpoint she floats further and further from the rock hemisphere.

I'm sick of these bulletpoints. Maybe one of these students of Rock will show me the light.

Posted by Luis Enrique on Saturday, 03.17.07

For many ways, Donna (SuperSexySweet) Summer deseve this nomination,

I would like to interrupt this fan's opinion by stating that I have in no way altered the spelling, grammar or punctuation of this passage. Enjoy.

she has a sweetsexystrongtender-rasposaagresiva-super voice, she was ahead at her time, she influeced todays music some many people who use now, the "yesterdays future music" now ! ! ! Like I feel love, I need you, Our love etc...Shes longevity it's icredible she'e freshness more, if you listen I got you love and you don't Know her or dont't recognoise her vioce you may think in a young beatifull girl ! ! ! singin' that song ! ! !

I...um, this is great. I wish everyone talked about music like this. Cut the bullshit right out, and get down to some animal shit. Luis eschews even the most fundamental laws of coherence and is just screaming, teeth gnashing, eyes popping out worshipping the Queen!!!

I have this image of Luis chained up in a basement, listening to the same four Donna Summer LP's over and over and over again. If only every fan was this deranged.

Posted by Joe S on Sunday, 03.18.07

Donna Summer must be voted into the R&R Hall of Fame. Besides her obvious talent, the woman shaped the dance music landscape and defined the disco era.

Read that sentence again. Besides her obvious talent. Wouldn't her shaping the dance music and disco era be a testament to her talent? Now I will use the font size to illustrate how wonderfully perverse this second and ultimate paragraph reads.

If you liked it or not, disco ruled in it's day - heck, even Barbra Streisand understood that.

WHAT!?! Barbara Streisand is the ultimate Rock and Roll Litmus Test? HOLY SHIT! Joe S is the kind of guy who walks out of an Air Supply concert unplugging his ears, saying, "Geez, what a loud, dirty rock band. My ears haven't buzzed like this since I saw Bread play in '72!"

Let's give kudos where kudos are kudos. Does anyone remember Bab's glam period? Or her contribution to the DIY punk movement? Or her shimmering new-wave hits? Or her crusty grunge jams? Could you imagine Barbara backed by Mother Love Bone? "I'm Going Hungry" indeed.

Posted by WinterMelody on Sunday, 03.18.07

Donna Summer has influenced every aspect of R&R as well as every genre of music, for 4 decades.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AH AHA HA AH AH AH AHA HA AH AH AH AHA HA AH AH AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AH AHA HA AH AH AH AH AHA HA HA AH AH AH AHA AH HAH. Ha. Hoooo...

This is by far the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. Ever.

Beyond the initial shock of one single artist influencing every single last genre of music on our planet Earth, the idea that she has influenced EVERY ASPECT of rock and roll for four decades? I mean, do I really have to go into this? No, I won't. Too painful, too repetitive.

Let me now say this: Winning a Grammy does not signify anything. It means you sold a lot of records, and your record company paid off the radio stations just enough to give you clout for a bunch of years.

I can't even count how many DS fans cite her genre-spanning Grammy Awards as a reason why she should be arbitrarily placed in a ridiculous arbitrary Hall of Fame. Now to stem the redundancy with this final and truly epic slice:

Posted by Randy on Saturday, 09.29.07

If there was a "Mount Rushmore" Of musical Giants of the Rock & Roll Era, these faces would be chiseled in the rock!

50's Elvis / Little Richard / Chuck Berry
60's Beatles / Aretha Franklin/ Rolling Stones
70's Elton John / Donna Summer / Led Zeppelin
80's Bruce Springsteen / Madonna/ Billy Joel
90's Nirvana / Aerosmith / Alanis Morrisette

Even if Donna Summer does not belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I give her props for creating one of the most ridiculous strings I've ever read about music. These people are truly demented. No David Bowie? Alanis Morrisette?

Awesome, plain and simple awesome.

Gotta run, Bread is playing at the Paragon and I have to buy some earplugs.