Those Lyrics Are Bad...Or Are They Good?

I love it when pretentious english major wanna-be's are allowed to write words. I especially love it when Pitchforkmedia.com allows these hacks to review albums. This guys name is Tom Breihan.

In reference to the lyrics in the chorus of the Swizz Beatz joint "It's Me Bitches":

On that track, he huffs and puffs, grunting a lot and saying absolutely nothing, repeating the same verses twice, attempting to make a hook out of "chillin' in my Beamer, listening to 'Ether'" despite the fact that "Beamer" doesn't even come close to rhyming with "Ether."

Actually, yes it does. It definitely comes close. They end with "-mer" and "-ther", and they both have the long E vowel sound. As you can tell, am I not a professor of grammar. I'm pretty good at spelling, and I love "the hip hop music", as crotchety old farts would refer to it.

But it doesn't take a fucking genius to realize that "ether" and "beamer" come close to rhyming. It's almost the definition of coming close. This guy is all about perpetuating the myth that producers can't rhyme (see KRS-One, Ced Gee, Madlib, Kanye). Well, stop it.

After decrying the shortcomings of "It's Me Bitches", this gem follows:

And yet "It's Me, Bitches" is one of the best rap singles of the year.

Wha-wha-what?! Since when? I thought you said that the lyrics ruined the song? Wait, let's go over what you just said:

"It's Me, Bitches" is a forceful and mindless dumb-out classic, and it feels like a glorious fluke, the sort of success that could not possibly repeat itself.

What?! Just because the lyrics aren't on par with "Microphone Fiend" or "Unbelievable"? What about 50 Cent, he who can't rap for shit? Are we going to hold him up to the same standards? No? Cool, I was just making sure your argument is as bullshit as it sounds.

Also, this classic by Swizz Beatz is a fluke? He's been producing records since he was 16 and the motherfucker avoids samples like they were shit on a stick. He produced beats for T.I., Jay Z, even my man R Kelly knows Swizz's shit. Doesn't sound like a fluke to me. Sounds like he knows what he's doing.

He delivers all his lyrics in a breathless bark and repeats himself constantly: one song after "chillin' in my Beamer, listening to 'Ether,'" he's "cruisin' in that Lambo, lookin' like Rambo." He sounds utterly elated to be rapping, blissfully unaware that virtually every line is a certifiable clunker.

This drives me batshit insane. How can Pitchfork be so hard on rhyming producers, but they let 50 Cent slide. 50 Cent, the guy who directly rips off Schooly D and sounds like a fucking dweeb while doing it.

Pitchfork gave The Massacre 7 out of 10!!! And they freely admit that the lyrics were weak as fuck!! I demand a little fucking consistency here!

Tom Breihan then makes a fatal error:

Confusingly, the track is billed as featuring Chris Martin, but that guest-appearance turns out to just be a sample from "X&Y", which isn't even a good Coldplay song.

Awful. Not just the fact that Coldplay is on this record, but look at that last fragment: "...which isn't even a good Coldplay song." Tom believes there is a "good" Coldplay song. This guy lives a lie. He operates under the belief that Coldplay COULD be good. What a sad sad man.

Quite frankly, Tom is wrong, very wrong. He may even be superdrunk. He essentially negates his entire argument with the final sentence.

Meanwhile, Swizz is a whole lot better off yelling over sirens and talking about his money.

Okay...

You spend the entire article deriding him for stupid lyrics...

And then you tell him he's better off, "Yelling over sirens and talking about his money."

I won't often say this as clearly, but you're a fucking idiot.

Critics are Critics, Fans are Deranged

On the bottom of metacritic.com, readers are allowed to post their own ratings of the reviewed albums. One reader, named simply "coldplayfan" has caused me to fall over, brain hemorrhaging and laughing simultaneously.

By this stage, I don't see how anybody can't hate coldplay. You may call them boring, and you may call them overplayed, but that's all a load of crap.

Okay, I'm with you on that. There's nothing easier than jumping on the hater bandwagon(see previous Coldplay post).

Their songs are a huge inspiration to the world. A message has to be one of the best songs ever.

Alright, now you've gone from "coldplayfan" to "derangedcoldplayfan".

In my opinion, they are the next big Cream (minus the incredible drums, and incredible guitar), only I think they will last way longer.

My jaw hits the floor. If only I could record my voice laughing really loudly, and then post it. You'd know how much this makes me sadistically happy.

1. When you take away the incredible drums and incredible guitar from Cream, you remove Eric Clapton AND Ginger Baker. Jack Bruce is left, playing bass riffs and sometimes singing. I guess this sounds like Coldplay to derangedcoldplayfan. The arguably worst member of a super-talented group. Playing solo.

2. Also, he says that Coldplay will last way longer than Cream

Cream (1966-1969)
Coldplay(1998-2005 at the point of this review)

It's not that they WILL last longer, they HAVE.

The difference between Cream and Coldplay is that Cream made some spectacular (if somewhat dated) records before succumbing to instant fame, drugs, you know, the usual. Coldplay is boring, and it's easy to stay together when you make boring, safe, and cloying music that 12 year olds love.

More power to the 12 year olds, seriously. Who needs music critics when you can walk out of your home, enter the record store, and buy want you're interested in.

Or for that matter, turn on your computer, open itunes and get assaulted by My Chemical Romance adverts, which in turn make you listen to their music. Fun.

Coldplay Singer Gets Coldcocked

Cops nab Seattle woman after bizarre karaoke bar meltdown

AUGUST 10--A Washington man's karaoke performance of a Coldplay song apparently triggered a female bar patron to attack him early yesterday at a Seattle bar. According to a Seattle Police Department report, a copy of which you can find below, Lindsey Lawrence, 21, assaulted the unnamed victim while he was performing with "two other subjects" at Changes Tavern, where patrons sing karaoke Wednesday and Thursday night from 9 PM until 1 AM. When the assault victim launched into Coldplay's "Yellow," Lawrence allegedly told the man that his "singing sucked" and that the song "fucking sucked." She then grabbed at the man's microphone and "pushed him and punched him in order to get him to stop singing," cops reported. When employees escorted Lawrence from the bar, she "became very violent" and struck several other people (and was hostile towards police and fire department medics who responded to the scene). Lawrence was booked into the Seattle Correctional Facility, where she is currently being held on an investigation of assault rap. It is unclear why Coldplay's music apparently made Lawrence snap, though a famous June 2005 New York Times appraisal by Jon Pareles may offer an insight. The critic called the British group "the most insufferable band of the decade," adding that, "the lyrics can make me wish I didn't understand English." (3 pages)


This is literally too good to be true. Thanks to thesmokinggun.com for this piece of brilliance.

I'll let other reviewers talk some more shit about Coldplay:

'X&Y' is too anodyne and polished, and is lacking in variety, tension, and any lasting sense of wonder. -Google Music

They're clearly trying very hard to grow, but sometimes all they have to show for it are tracks that require road maps. -Entertainment Weekly

"X & Y" is easily Coldplay's most consistent album, albeit one that operates within restrictive boundaries of creativity. -Dot Music

Your level of interest in their music probably correlates with your willingness to be bored.
-New York Magazine

X&Y is awash with cliches, non-sequiturs, and cheap existentialism; at times it all becomes nigh on unbearable. -Mojo

At least 45 of X&Y’s 63 minutes finds Coldplay overdosing on pointless synthesizers in the name of “expanding their sound” while forgetting to write anything reflecting a decent hook. -cokemachineglow

X & Y is uninspired adult pop that drops jaws only in its capacity to elicit yawns. -Lost at Sea

Monochromatic and underwhelming. -Under the Radar

When he moans his verses, Mr. Martin can sound so sorry for himself that there's hardly room to sympathize for him, and when he's not mixing metaphors, he fearlessly slings clichés.
-New York Times

Just thought I'd brighten your day by justifying my hatred of all things Coldplay.