Friday, November 20, 2009

phootball phriday: too warm for november edition

so last week got ugly. i made four picks and only hit one of them, and it took the patriots coming up an inch short on fourth down for my one accurate prediction to come true. well, allen greenspan recently said, "when you're right 57% of the time, you're wrong 43% of the time, and that's still pretty good."

49ers over Packers. until last week's ugly win against the ugly bears, the niners had been loading up on close, devastating losses. but why? their defensive front is very strong, good linebackers, an ok-looking quarterback, a running game that should be a lot better than it is. the niners really aren't that bad, and even though the packers pooped all over the cowboys last week, look for them to come out lazy against an underrated playoff contender in san francisco.

Lions over Browns. last week, i picked the browns to surprise the ravens, and cleveland's offense responded by scoring no points and averaging a little more than two yards per snap. there may be a dozen or so college teams who would probably loose to baltimore, probably by a bigger margin, but at least they'd put up a field goal or two. a wierdly pathetic professional sports team, the browns. lions win, giving cleveland the slightly better draft pick, which the lions could really use.

Giants over Falcons. i'd be very surprised if the giants dropped another game. one gets the impression that they got soft early in the season against the NFL's terrible teams (oakland, kansas city, tampa bay, etc.). when up against a stronger foe, the giants have yet to look strong this year. after a bye week and before that a last-second loss to san diego, the truly awful games against the eagles and saints should be behind them. i expect the giants to be well rested and eager to beat a decent team. which they will. unless they play like they did in philly, which was really really bad.

last but not feast: the Jets will beat the Patriots. oh yes. this will happen. much has been made around ESPN's universe regarding jets' coach rex ryan's recent bout with crying in front of a room full of steroid-jacked football players. recently (this is true) i saw "blind date" host roger lodge on a sports talk show saying of this incident, "football is a man's game. can you imagine a big ol' linebacker like bart scott watching that?" yes, rex ryan. roger lodge thinks you're a pussy. ball's in your court.

but i understand why ryan lost his shit: because there's no good reason for the jets to be 4-5. ok, the rookie quarterback, season-ending injuries to the primary offensive and defensive weapons (leon washington and kris jenkins), and a defense that keeps the other team out of the endzone but struggles to hold on to a lead. the jets may have lost five of their last six games, but four of those losses have been by less than a touchdown. only the saints have kept the jets out of a game this year.

and finally, fuck new england. finis.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Surreal Estate: Redux

back in september, pitchfork did a news piece on the forthcoming debut album from the recently extant band Real Estate. (i wrote about it.) today, less than two months later, the band has joined the fork's "best new music" club, with an album that turns out to be just one and a half points shy of perfect.

in my post about september's news story, i wrote, "people who really like music that makes them remember high school should be banned from the internet."

in today's review, david bevan says, "Over the past year, many of these songs have soundtracked a time when it feels like every kid in or just out of college seems to be handcrafting/clamoring for music that shuttles us back to a time before career choices, adult responsibility, and this recession."

how deeply pathetic is our generation? before we turn twenty, we're already lamenting our lost youth. think about it this way: if we go on like this, what will we have to be nostalgic about ten years from now? still early childhood? damn, some people really hate their armpit hair.

"clamoring" to be free from adult responsibility may indeed be the sound coming out of america's uber-educated white kids, but the notion that this results in some sort of creative movement? nigga please! you're explicitly saying it's a leap backwards! you just fucking said it!!!

no matter, backwards is okay. the past isn't scary, at least not if you're an american who attends or once attended college. it's the future that terrifies these people, in art as in their lives. in art because the future may, at any moment, render useless their intricate understanding of american independent rock music (1980's-present); in their lives because the future threatens to be less fun than high school.

the final paragraph of the reveiw reminds us that you can't write for pitchfork unless you can string together a diarrhea-inducing metaphor. in today's entry, bevan says that even though this is clearly a summer-themed album, "this music transcends the notion of seasons."

holy shit! i once thought i had transcended the notion of seasons, but then i started coming down and realized i was in a bowling alley.

"There's much more at play here than what goes on between the months of June through September." in a related point, sushi has more rice in it than what goes on between 2 and 2:30 in the morning.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

real quick

i know what you're thinking: "is this a full-time football blog, now? what the fuck?!" so i say, "shut up, reader. get a job."

anyway, since i don't have much time,

steelers over bengals. pittsburgh stops the run. palmer makes it interesting, but not that interesting.

colts over patriots. brady deserves to fail, because that's true. fuckin asshole.

browns over ravens. this is a why-the-hell-not surprise pick. i've missed one a week every week so far, so this'll be that one, most likely. but i caught the tail end of a rerun of the drew carey show recently, and cleveland still hasn't been fully compensated for the mimi charachter.

aaaand... cowboys over packers. dallas pass rush is too good, and green bay gives up too many sacks as it is.

a lot of weak ass games today. go for a walk or something.

Friday, November 6, 2009

phootball phriday: jets bye week edition

so last week i was three for four in my picks, my only miss being the jets, who totally outplayed miami anyway, ask anyone. that being the case, i'll give it another shot.

first up, baltimore at cincinatti. now it's clear that a bengal would beat a raven in a straight-up fight, but only if the raven wanted to fight. if it just flew away, the tiger wouldn't stand a chance. for that reason, if baltimore comes out on sunday and is able to fly, expect them to win. if not, cincinatti starts locking down the division.

maimi at new england. tough to call. maimi has proven that you never know when they're gonna come up with three freak touchdowns in a quarter, so watch out patriots. but brady's warming up, and if miami wins it's good for the jets, and good for the jets almost never happens. patriots by a lot.

tennessee at san francisco. one of the league's strongest 3-4 teams goes up against easily the best 1-win team out there. seriously, this game is gonna be fun. vince young finally did it the way jeff fischer likes it, so now the former heisman-winner is getting a chance to play (taking over for the nfl's best rasputin look-alike, the quarterback who won't die, kerry collins). look for the titans to be a threat on the ground. the niners, on the other hand, have also given over the starting qb job to the guy who clearly deserves it, alex smith. with michael crabtree and frank gore hitting their strides, this team could actually be good enough to sneak into the playoffs. this one's almost too close to call, but san francisco is a silly place. titans by four.

and last but also least, dallas at philadelphia. tony romo's powers get exponentially weaker the further he is from that 8,000-foot screen in his new home stadium. they have big screens in philly as well, but they just aren't big enough. romo's gonna play like superman in a kryptonite jock-strap. no spread is too big. eagles continue to roll.

some people deserve a chance

thus is the conclusion of this bit of noisy nostalgia. (this time it's a birthday party we get to remember) marc richardson is a dumb piece of shit and i hope he googles his name frequently enough to find this.

after quoting jim o'rourke saying this: "You can no longer use context as part of your work [...] because it doesn't matter what you do, somebody's going to change the context of it;" marc richardson responds with this: "The O'Rourkes of the world may argue that this trend is a bad thing, but it's obviously going to open a new world of experience, and right now we're just scratching the surface of possibility."

first of all, "scratching the surface of possibility" is a piss poor turn of phrase. second of all, "a new world of experience" is also a pretty meaningless group of words. it's the "new world" that makes it okay to steal music, makes it okay that even successful musicians all over america are going broke. the "old world", where people paid musicians for their work, and musicians had say in how that work was structured -- a thing of the past!

except, and here's the crucial part, except when marc richardson believes artists "know what they're doing". for them, "i give myself over to their work in a very particular way." so you're actually supposed to pre-determine, before hearing anything, whether or not an artist is supposed to be taken seriously. if yes, BUY WHOLE ALBUM. if no, download shit for free and continue "scratching the surface of possibility."

it turns out marc richardson's other job -- you know, when he's not ruminating -- is telling people what music they should take seriously. it's for this reason that i don't doubt him when he says: "These are exciting times."

i'm sure they are.