We are High Class Lit

Yeah, man, we don't give a crap about anyone's shit. Just like this guy.

For the record, demanding that allmusicguide.com changes some of its more horrendous reviews is not that outrageous of an idea. I mean, one sentence reviews that sum up an artists career? You really want those things to stick around?

This isn't nitpicking, we are in it to win it so to speak. We would like the artist and listener to benefit from decent reviews, because as much as we'd like to deny it, it is tastemakers like pitchforkmedia, allmusicguide, Rolling Stone and Better Homes and Gardens that influence what we listen to.

So yeah, sorry you were annoyed by our "nitpicking." Although, when viewing this body of work, aren't you just nitpicking us? Doesn't feel very good when I turn it around on you, huh? Probably makes you feel like the opposite of this guy:

Ingrid Michaelson-VH1 Indie Strumpet

Here is our newfound friend Ingrid. She's tiny and glasses faced, and she sings touchy feely indie tunez.



"I try to express all my feelings in as little words possible."

Wow, a true innovator. Never has a lyricist ever gone after such an approach. Thanks VH1 for all of your groundbreaking work introducing new talent to the world.

Doesn't Ingrid remind you of someone?



Lisa Loeb, ladies and gentlemen, Lisa Loeb.

The Perpetuation of Rock and Roll

This is old news, and it doesn't really matter, but last year Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Strange and stranger still is the list of groups that are "eligible" for inclusion this year:

Afrika Bambaataa
Beastie Boys
Chic
Dave Clark Five
Donna Summer
John Mellencamp
Leonard Cohen
Madonna
The Ventures

Read it again. And again. I will now list the nominees respective genres.

Hip hop/Rap
Hip hop/Rap
Disco/R'n'B
Folk Rock
Disco/R'n'B
American Rock
Folk
Dance/Pop/R'nB/Electro/Kabbalah
Rock and Roll

Notice anything? Yeah, so did I. Two straight up Rock acts. Two.

What the fuck is going on here? It pissed me off when they opened this supposed "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame", honoring a completely ridiculous and seemingly random number of artists. Also, could the idea of a Hall of Fame be any more embarrassingly American? In driving to my new home town of Outside of Chicago, myself and the Cleverest One passed the "RV Hall of Fame" in Indiana. They have Halls for everything. It is not a grandiose place of legends, it's a capital-driven tourist attraction, located in Cleveland, the Fertile Crescent of Rock and Roll that spawned such great groups as...well, not many great groups, I don't have time to cherry pick here.

This is besides the point. Has Rock and Roll really run out of useful candidates to induct? Or is Rock really trying to stake a claim for all other genres? Again:

Africa Bambaataa-in the mid to late 70's, he spurred a cultural movement in the Boogie Down Bronx, DJing block parties to give the youth something to do. He later teamed up with Renaissance man Arthur Baker and Funk and Soul pioneer James Brown to name a few collaborators. He and the Zulu Nation helped shape the early age of Hip Hop as we know it.

Nothing to do with Rock and Roll. Nothing.

Beastie Boys- one could make a claim that their marraige of hardcore rock ideals and aesthetic with the booming bap of Rick Rubin's 808 drum machine could make them semi-suitable candidates. I semi-agree. Only semi-wise, though.

Chic- The music was funky and made you dance like nothing else. Unless you were white, because white people dance like uncomfortable robots with self esteem issues. But that's the core of the issue. This music is not rock and roll. It spans several genres, but last time I checked Rock and Roll wasn't defined as any music played with a guitar, bass, drum and singing.

Dave Clark Five - Sure, why not. It would get the naysayers like this guy off of your collective back, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame:

"They were a hard driving group who played with all their heart and soul. Their music is still played today by a lot of people. Mike Smith had one of the best voices of the time and maybe in all of rock and roll. They sold over 50 million records as a group and they should be in the Hall of Fame."

Playing with their heart and soul? I'm sure that's easy criteria to assess. There has to be some universal gauge for heart and soul lying around. And no, their music is not played by a lot of people. Only old codgers and indie bands doing Garageband remixes. Also, when was the last time you read or heard anything about Mike Smith being a great vocalist? Never. That's right, never. Howling Wolf, Chuck Berry, John Lennon, Robert Plant, Harry Nilsson, the list goes on. And it usually does so without Mike Smith. Fuck you.

Donna Summer - What the fuck? What the fuck is going on here? Seriously, like, what the fuck? She did a disco cover of "The Wanderer?" I just...fuck. Is this...where am I? I'm blinded by this...Wait, seriously, I'm writing about Donna Summer and Rock. No. Disco. She did disco. Instrumentally, there were some...nevermind, it's fruitless.

This hurts too much to even finish the list. The real kicker is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's criteria for a candidate:

"Criteria include the influence and significance of the artist's contributions to the development and perpetuation of rock and roll."

Awful. Rock has been teetering on the brink of extinction for a while now, but that perpetuation line is a kick in the crotch of the movement itself.

The idea that a form of music that was so alive is now dead is sad enough. To state that other genres are mere perpetuations of Rock is just wrong. If it was true, and we're basing this on honest to god chains of influence, rock came out of the Chicago and New Orleans Jazz scenes, which were in turn birthed from the New Orleans brothel house music. So really this should be the New Orleans Brothel House Music Hall of Fame, and it should encompass all music everywhere.

A message to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: No need to be pathetic. Why not choose from any number of great bands out there who deserve a ridiculous and arbitrary award? Husker Du, Minor Threat, Black Flag, Television, New York Dolls, etc. Rock and Roll is great, and you don't need to grab other genres to make yourself feel good.

Unless you're Madonna. There was supposed to be a humorous drum shot there. Nevermind.

Go Neil!!

Props of the day to Mr. Drum Boner himself, Neil Peart, who was named by Blender as the second worst lyricist in rock! Only the mighty Sting himself rated higher (lower?), and while I haven't seen a full list, this tidbit from Reuters is a pure delight:

Blender described Canadian rocker Peart's lyrics as "richly awful tapestries of fantasy and science."

Pretty much, yeah.

God, I want to listen to "Marathon" right now.

A Brief Fungasm

I have very limited access to the interwebertory these days, but I'd just like to remind all the 8 readers of this blog:

This website is based on the idea of criticizing criticism. Take things personally if you must, that's kind of the point.

If you find something you dislike about our criticisms of criticisms, critique us. Sometimes we'll criticize your critique of our critiques of someone's criticism, and other times we'll nod and say, "Oh yeah, solid point." Make us think twice the next time we hate on Interpol.





Never mind. Don't do that. Carlos D is a turd.

Those Lyrics Are Bad...Or Are They Good?

I love it when pretentious english major wanna-be's are allowed to write words. I especially love it when Pitchforkmedia.com allows these hacks to review albums. This guys name is Tom Breihan.

In reference to the lyrics in the chorus of the Swizz Beatz joint "It's Me Bitches":

On that track, he huffs and puffs, grunting a lot and saying absolutely nothing, repeating the same verses twice, attempting to make a hook out of "chillin' in my Beamer, listening to 'Ether'" despite the fact that "Beamer" doesn't even come close to rhyming with "Ether."

Actually, yes it does. It definitely comes close. They end with "-mer" and "-ther", and they both have the long E vowel sound. As you can tell, am I not a professor of grammar. I'm pretty good at spelling, and I love "the hip hop music", as crotchety old farts would refer to it.

But it doesn't take a fucking genius to realize that "ether" and "beamer" come close to rhyming. It's almost the definition of coming close. This guy is all about perpetuating the myth that producers can't rhyme (see KRS-One, Ced Gee, Madlib, Kanye). Well, stop it.

After decrying the shortcomings of "It's Me Bitches", this gem follows:

And yet "It's Me, Bitches" is one of the best rap singles of the year.

Wha-wha-what?! Since when? I thought you said that the lyrics ruined the song? Wait, let's go over what you just said:

"It's Me, Bitches" is a forceful and mindless dumb-out classic, and it feels like a glorious fluke, the sort of success that could not possibly repeat itself.

What?! Just because the lyrics aren't on par with "Microphone Fiend" or "Unbelievable"? What about 50 Cent, he who can't rap for shit? Are we going to hold him up to the same standards? No? Cool, I was just making sure your argument is as bullshit as it sounds.

Also, this classic by Swizz Beatz is a fluke? He's been producing records since he was 16 and the motherfucker avoids samples like they were shit on a stick. He produced beats for T.I., Jay Z, even my man R Kelly knows Swizz's shit. Doesn't sound like a fluke to me. Sounds like he knows what he's doing.

He delivers all his lyrics in a breathless bark and repeats himself constantly: one song after "chillin' in my Beamer, listening to 'Ether,'" he's "cruisin' in that Lambo, lookin' like Rambo." He sounds utterly elated to be rapping, blissfully unaware that virtually every line is a certifiable clunker.

This drives me batshit insane. How can Pitchfork be so hard on rhyming producers, but they let 50 Cent slide. 50 Cent, the guy who directly rips off Schooly D and sounds like a fucking dweeb while doing it.

Pitchfork gave The Massacre 7 out of 10!!! And they freely admit that the lyrics were weak as fuck!! I demand a little fucking consistency here!

Tom Breihan then makes a fatal error:

Confusingly, the track is billed as featuring Chris Martin, but that guest-appearance turns out to just be a sample from "X&Y", which isn't even a good Coldplay song.

Awful. Not just the fact that Coldplay is on this record, but look at that last fragment: "...which isn't even a good Coldplay song." Tom believes there is a "good" Coldplay song. This guy lives a lie. He operates under the belief that Coldplay COULD be good. What a sad sad man.

Quite frankly, Tom is wrong, very wrong. He may even be superdrunk. He essentially negates his entire argument with the final sentence.

Meanwhile, Swizz is a whole lot better off yelling over sirens and talking about his money.

Okay...

You spend the entire article deriding him for stupid lyrics...

And then you tell him he's better off, "Yelling over sirens and talking about his money."

I won't often say this as clearly, but you're a fucking idiot.

Professionally Scribed Bullcrap (and it's horrible effects)

If you have trolled the pages of Pitchforkmedia recently, you would've noticed their obsession with naming albums they love as "Best New Music."

They review 5 albums a day, and they usually manage to sneak in a best new music every week. Seems like a lot, huh?

Well, it is. Anyways, a little while ago they busted their collective nuts over Deerhunter's Cryptograms. I was working in a record store at the time of its impending release. It's an album of drones and quasi-psychedelia, a pretty safe sounding indie venture. Nothing to write home about, just a predictable second album.

Well, Pitchfork will not shut up about them, making it their mission to boost visibility for the group and ride the critical coattails if any fame is found (a la Dismemberment Plan). So, they write anything about the band. Anything.

You think I'm kidding? Look at this piece of tripe titled "Hey, Remember Deerhunter? We Haven't Written About Them in, Like, a Week! Did You Miss Them?"

No, I didn't miss them. In fact, I was just getting used to your stupid webpage forgetting about your stupid mission of hype. Perhaps I'm jumping the gun here. Let's see what this bit of news has to say about the band's music.

In the market for a Macbook Pro battery? Perhaps a slightly used pair of men's sneakers, sized 10.5? Or how 'bout an embroidered "Makaveli Branded" Tupac t-shirt? I knew we'd get you with that last one.

Typical indie sarcasm leads off this bit. And no, I don't want any of these items. I thought this article was about Deerhunter.

You'll want to make your way over to the world's dustbin-- eBay, that is-- where Deerhunter frontguy Bradford Cox is selling all this and more.

This is a music website. It is about music and music criticism. This article is...it's, well, a plug for an eBay sale. Unless they were superdrunk, they didn't have any reason to write this, other than the fact that they are obviously in bed with Deerhunter and their label, Kranky. Sorry Kranky, I love you as a record label, but this is some fucked up collusion shit. There is no other explanation for this article. Since when has a band used a well-regarded music website to trumpet their eBay sale? Never, and for a good fucking reason. It's wrong.

The article goes on a for a little while but the damage was done. I'm sure it's not the only reason, but guitarist Colin Mee left Deerhunter today for the following reasons:

"This sense of being overwhelmed was exacerbated by the fact that I felt we were receiving (and creating) too much press that had nothing to do with any new music being created. I don't want to be overexposed. I don't want the world to know what our excrement looks like or what we are selling on eBay or whether we got robbed. I think that it devalues the music and it is just a way to maintain attention when the music should just speak for itself.

Nice one Pitchfork, you contributed to the loss of a guitarist! Now YOU, Pitchfork, are the news, which is what you wanted all along, right? It was pathetic enough to let that article be printed and available to read to the general public, but now, upon realizing that your article had an impact on the band, you must be REALLY pleased with yourselves.

This is the exact kind of bullshit I can't stand. The critics and music news companies should be respected, and yes, they have to push their own product, but it's depressing and sad to see this display of media manipulation.

Who the fuck needs needs to know about a fucking eBay sale?! Save that shit for the band's unofficial fan website, where they probably talk about the band's wardrobe, who played Magic: The Gathering growing up, or who sucks at checkers. Save the bullshit for the fans.

Don't become the bullshit.

Keith Richards Plays a Good Show

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) - Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has demanded an apology from Swedish newspapers for their scathing reviews of the group's performance in the country earlier this month.

Tabloids Expressen and Aftonbladet gave thumbs down to the Aug. 3 concert at Ullevi stadium in Goteborg, with Expressen suggesting Richards was "superdrunk" on stage.

"This is a first!" the 63-year-old rock star wrote in a letter published by Stockholm daily Dagens Nyheter. "Never before have I risen to the bait of a bad review.

"But this time ... I have to stand up ... for our fans all over Sweden ... to say that you owe them, and us, an apology."

This is awesomely dramatic stuff. Keith Richards being offended by a rando music critic calling him superdrunk. Not just drunk, but superdrunk. And why does this offend the king of drugs and drink? Let's talk about the letter.

Dagens Nyheter said it received the letter from concert organizer EMA Telstar. Company head Thomas Johansson told The Associated Press that Richards wrote the letter and gave it to him after reading translations of the Swedish reviews.

"There were 56,000 people in Ullevi stadium who bought a ticket to our concert - and experienced a completely different show than the one you 'reviewed,'" the letter said.

"How dare you cheapen the experience for them - and for the hundreds of thousands of other people across Sweden who weren't at Ullevi and have only your 'review' to go on.

Look, I'm sure the 50,000 or so Swedes had a great time at the show. They were all happy and superdrunk with you. It's true, going to a great show and enjoying the experience is one thing. Reading that your great experience was actually a hugely shitty time by one dismissive critic can sometimes kill the buzz. But leave the complaining to the fans, Keef. Maybe all of these fans gave you the benefit of the doubt and clapped no matter how crappy your old hands play the guitar.

"Write the truth. It was a good show."

In his review, Aftonbladet's music writer Markus Larsson gave the concert a score of two on a five-point scale, and said Richards appeared "a bit confused."

"I am not going to apologize for my subjective opinion," Larsson told the paper's Web edition on Wednesday. "It is Keith who should apologize. After all it costs around 1,000 kronor ($145) to see a rock star who can hardly handle the (guitar) riff to 'Brown Sugar' any more."

This is a great example of critic's affect on the musician. Of all the bizarre times for Keith to complain about a bad critique, this takes the cake. They are band of old older guys who famously said they wouldn't be playing their old hits when they were 60. Well, here we are, wallowing in your stale remakes and terrible solo outings.

Do I think the review was wrong in its harshness? No, that's what Larsson felt, and if he wants to be cynical and hard-to-please, that's his prerogative.

Also, the part about how he can't even play 'Brown Sugar' is classic.