A Touch of Annoyance

Write whatever you want about indie music, just don't make the mistake of writing about the punk ethos. You are wrong. Very wrong. Come back when you read "Please Kill Me" or read a single interview with the Pistols. Tom Ewing made this mistake in his ridiculous column on Pitchfork entitled "Poptimist #9". The column refers to the NME's recent attempt to get "God Save the Queen" to #1 on the charts.

To generalise wildly, for an American audience punk stands for something creative-- an independent ethos and a DIY spirit.

Wrong. Wrong. What's great is that the British punk movement showed the world how to do it. The Buzzcock's "Spiral Scratch EP" set the tone, millions of band followed the example. America did not do it first. Get your shit straight. I don't care if you're wildly generalizing. That doesn't give you the right to fudge facts.

"It does stand for those things in Britain as well but also contains a destructive spirit, a declaration of Year Zero against what had gone before, no matter its quality: "No Elvis, Beatles, and the Rolling Stones in 1977".

Cool, nothing like perpetuating a myth about the base fundamentalism of punk. This fact has been refuted from day one (or Year Zero, whatever the F you want to call it). In fact, the Sex Pistols music reeked of early Beatles and the early 70's Stones. Also, how the fuck does one even try to escape the great ghost of Elvis. You don't, that's how.

He is the godfather. He sat down in Sun studios with some session musicians and while taking a break started playing "Blue Moon of Kentucky." No prompting, they just thought it was fun. Sam Phillips thought it was more than that. And thus, after a bunch of other like-minded back-beat-oriented tracks were cut, Rock and Roll was born for white America.

To escape Elvis, you need to play experimental music, and it maybe needs to be played from the moon with an orchestra comprised of polar bears. Telling the Queen to fuck off does not change the base derivative. The Pistols were a rock band, through and through. The image and fuck 'em attitude pushed the envelope, the music not so much. The Velvet's, Jonathan Richman, Stooges, Ramones, every band on the Nuggets release, the Kinks, the Who, the Small Faces, Chuck Berry, the list goes on and on. The Pistols' music was not revolutionary, it in fact was an amazing time warp. One escaped the overblown grandeur of Prog-rock and Lite Smooth Soundz of FM radio, not Elvis, the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.

Also to say that the American punk scene had nothing to do with "a destructive spirit" is bizarre. The violence of the West Coast hardcore and D.C. hardcore scenes even put off the musicians.

Wildly generalizing is for the birds.

Once again, there is going to be a follow-up on this very soon where I will point out how Rock Writing (notice the importance that capital letters bring to The Table!) is in a horrible state of repetition, where seemingly educated writers ignore the fact that they are recycling 20 year old material.

Bring me advancement or bring me death by musical exhaustion!!!

Big Things Cresting

Fun is fun, as they say. Do you know what else is fun? Terrible puns on album titles! Also, really vague language that uses adjectives to prevent any actual analyis! Thankfully, NME supplies us with a wondrous dearth of material to devaluate.

Hot Hot Heat - Happiness Ltd

In 2002, Hot Hot Hot Heat's 'Make Up The Breakdown' bounded into the world's lap like a giddy terrier, but 2005's 'Elevator' stalled.

Woo hoo hoo! Read it again and feel a little more stupid. It's fun, kind of like killing some brain cells when huffing a whippet.

On their fifth album, partly produced by Green Day and MCR Midas-toucher Rob Cavallo, the message is clear: pop is back. Big hooks and cresting balladry are shamelessly in-season ('Outta Heart') and call-and-response choruses are bigger than ever ('Give Up?').

There is a reason this review is short. So far the album is full of cresting balladry, with big call-and-response choruses. Good.

The trademark tempo jiggery remains and it's all threaded together with airy production that underlines rather than overwhelms.

Know what I'm a big fan of? Production that sounds like the air. And we all know that air sounds of sweet cresting balladry, right?

Also, I love to get jiggery. I get jiggery all the time. Me and this guy(you know, the guy on the right), together the jiggery we share.

And while there's nothing here as incendiary as 'Bandages', there remains a sense of flow that previous albums have lacked.

A lot of "critic language" is being flung around today. Airy production, Midas-toucher, and now a "sense of flow."

Awesome, I'm now getting a clearer picture of what this sounds like. A golden Will Smith singing call and response ballads, cresting all the while.

Hot Hot Heat are not the freewheeling scamps they once were.

Chances that members of any band from the dawn of time never experience a life change, ever: Zero.

Thankfully, rather than mature into 'serious' musicians, they've rejuvenated themselves with the elixir of a purer pop.

A quick list of a serious musician's traits:

a) skilled at their chosen profession
b) lacks a sense of humor
c) must write songs concerning only death, life, and the immediate variations on those themes
d) must listen to exhausting music and die from the intense experience

Serious musicians can be interested in pure pop (Bob Mould, Frank Black, David Bowie, Frank Zappa) and are pretty brilliant in their execution of said pop. What the fuck is wrong with someone being 'serious?' Why am I continuing to put that word in quotations?

Anyone in a band is a serious musician. Anyone playing or learning an instrument is a serious musician. Think I'm being a little general in my description? That's because the true technical idea of musicality is no longer discussed in popular music's criticism. Just because a bassist can't play "Donna Lee" straight-up, no swing doesn't mean he's not serious.

The concern, as Uticas pointed out, is not in the words, but how they're arranged. The vague adjectives titillate the mind, and you think, 'Maybe I'll enjoy the Midas-touched sounds.'

Rating from NME: 7 out of 10. Bizarre.

Tortured Bouts of Self-Restraint (The Demon)

The title refers to a music critic's inner demon. This demon speaks to the critic, whispering in his Paid-to-Listen-to-Music Ear, saying, "You hate this band and what they represent. Find a way to discreetly insert your hatred into the review, tell your minions to ignore this album!" This demon is everywhere, and wants to be heard. Bands like Korn attract these demons naturally. They've been around for a while, they've been successful and they had that awesome song with the bag-pipes. So here they come again, with another record, and surprise! They've grown up, a little.

Basically, NME, a mecca of passable music reviews, has let Mike Sterry listen to the chirp of his little red friend. Actually, I think I found Mike's demon, a bicycle clad fellow with a wonderful problem. The demon is happy. Mike has given in to his darker impulse, and the demon shows his satisfaction.

It's a well-known fact that Korn represent everything that's wrong with metal ever.

Hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Blatant generalization: Check. Also, he's wrong. I think that this guy represent everything that's wrong with metal:But that's just my opinion, man.

Case in point: 'Kiss' - Korn's take on Nine Inch Nails' 'Closer', which only serves to remind you to listen to the latter.

How does the song 'Kiss' remind me to listen to 'Closer?' Mayhaps we will receive an explanation?

But, there's a single beam of light slicing through every shit-coloured cloud - and Korn have theirs.

Nope, not a single word that compares the music of those songs. So, we've got nothing but the image of a shit-coloured cloud, and Mike holding the flashlight that pierces said cloud.

'Hold On' is brilliant because it reminds you of the metal clubs you found yourself accidentally having a good time in when town had nothing else to offer.

Translation: The demon is my friend. We hate metal together, and I only accidentally like metal. Sometimes.

Also, what does the song sound like? I heard that Terry Bozzio is drumming on it. Here is his drum set up:If you don't have a huge drum boner right now, you never will. Ever.

Then there's 'Love And Luxury', which is like a meeting of Nine Inch Nails and Oingo Boingo. 'Innocent Bystander' also merits a mention, if only because it sounds like the music Transformers make love to.

Oh wow, I love this section of the MUSIC review. More influences are tossed around without a mention of a single note of music. And then he delivers with a vomit burp of a Transformers joke/reference. Great. Where's the music?

And therein lies the rub. Korn's eighth is actually an interesting listen; as diverse as the witless art of nu-metal gets. That doesn't mean it's good. It merely leaves us with a numbing dilemma: we want to hate it, but we can't.

Nothing like an abrupt about face when faced with ending a review. Wiping one's hands clean by nullifying the previous three paragraphs is a dirty deed. Also, do you know what is more witless and artless than nu-metal? Your review of music. It's terrible. You don't understand music, so you get by with references and sarcasm.

Also, by writing nothing about the music included on the album(who produced it, who mixed it, who arranged the compositions, who's still in the band) you have succeeded in one thing alone.

Giving your demon a boner.