Thursday, August 9, 2007

Tortured Bouts of Self-Restraint (The Demon)

The title refers to a music critic's inner demon. This demon speaks to the critic, whispering in his Paid-to-Listen-to-Music Ear, saying, "You hate this band and what they represent. Find a way to discreetly insert your hatred into the review, tell your minions to ignore this album!" This demon is everywhere, and wants to be heard. Bands like Korn attract these demons naturally. They've been around for a while, they've been successful and they had that awesome song with the bag-pipes. So here they come again, with another record, and surprise! They've grown up, a little.

Basically, NME, a mecca of passable music reviews, has let Mike Sterry listen to the chirp of his little red friend. Actually, I think I found Mike's demon, a bicycle clad fellow with a wonderful problem. The demon is happy. Mike has given in to his darker impulse, and the demon shows his satisfaction.

It's a well-known fact that Korn represent everything that's wrong with metal ever.

Hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Blatant generalization: Check. Also, he's wrong. I think that this guy represent everything that's wrong with metal:But that's just my opinion, man.

Case in point: 'Kiss' - Korn's take on Nine Inch Nails' 'Closer', which only serves to remind you to listen to the latter.

How does the song 'Kiss' remind me to listen to 'Closer?' Mayhaps we will receive an explanation?

But, there's a single beam of light slicing through every shit-coloured cloud - and Korn have theirs.

Nope, not a single word that compares the music of those songs. So, we've got nothing but the image of a shit-coloured cloud, and Mike holding the flashlight that pierces said cloud.

'Hold On' is brilliant because it reminds you of the metal clubs you found yourself accidentally having a good time in when town had nothing else to offer.

Translation: The demon is my friend. We hate metal together, and I only accidentally like metal. Sometimes.

Also, what does the song sound like? I heard that Terry Bozzio is drumming on it. Here is his drum set up:If you don't have a huge drum boner right now, you never will. Ever.

Then there's 'Love And Luxury', which is like a meeting of Nine Inch Nails and Oingo Boingo. 'Innocent Bystander' also merits a mention, if only because it sounds like the music Transformers make love to.

Oh wow, I love this section of the MUSIC review. More influences are tossed around without a mention of a single note of music. And then he delivers with a vomit burp of a Transformers joke/reference. Great. Where's the music?

And therein lies the rub. Korn's eighth is actually an interesting listen; as diverse as the witless art of nu-metal gets. That doesn't mean it's good. It merely leaves us with a numbing dilemma: we want to hate it, but we can't.

Nothing like an abrupt about face when faced with ending a review. Wiping one's hands clean by nullifying the previous three paragraphs is a dirty deed. Also, do you know what is more witless and artless than nu-metal? Your review of music. It's terrible. You don't understand music, so you get by with references and sarcasm.

Also, by writing nothing about the music included on the album(who produced it, who mixed it, who arranged the compositions, who's still in the band) you have succeeded in one thing alone.

Giving your demon a boner.

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