Saturday, August 11, 2007

Coldplay Singer Gets Coldcocked

Cops nab Seattle woman after bizarre karaoke bar meltdown

AUGUST 10--A Washington man's karaoke performance of a Coldplay song apparently triggered a female bar patron to attack him early yesterday at a Seattle bar. According to a Seattle Police Department report, a copy of which you can find below, Lindsey Lawrence, 21, assaulted the unnamed victim while he was performing with "two other subjects" at Changes Tavern, where patrons sing karaoke Wednesday and Thursday night from 9 PM until 1 AM. When the assault victim launched into Coldplay's "Yellow," Lawrence allegedly told the man that his "singing sucked" and that the song "fucking sucked." She then grabbed at the man's microphone and "pushed him and punched him in order to get him to stop singing," cops reported. When employees escorted Lawrence from the bar, she "became very violent" and struck several other people (and was hostile towards police and fire department medics who responded to the scene). Lawrence was booked into the Seattle Correctional Facility, where she is currently being held on an investigation of assault rap. It is unclear why Coldplay's music apparently made Lawrence snap, though a famous June 2005 New York Times appraisal by Jon Pareles may offer an insight. The critic called the British group "the most insufferable band of the decade," adding that, "the lyrics can make me wish I didn't understand English." (3 pages)


This is literally too good to be true. Thanks to thesmokinggun.com for this piece of brilliance.

I'll let other reviewers talk some more shit about Coldplay:

'X&Y' is too anodyne and polished, and is lacking in variety, tension, and any lasting sense of wonder. -Google Music

They're clearly trying very hard to grow, but sometimes all they have to show for it are tracks that require road maps. -Entertainment Weekly

"X & Y" is easily Coldplay's most consistent album, albeit one that operates within restrictive boundaries of creativity. -Dot Music

Your level of interest in their music probably correlates with your willingness to be bored.
-New York Magazine

X&Y is awash with cliches, non-sequiturs, and cheap existentialism; at times it all becomes nigh on unbearable. -Mojo

At least 45 of X&Y’s 63 minutes finds Coldplay overdosing on pointless synthesizers in the name of “expanding their sound” while forgetting to write anything reflecting a decent hook. -cokemachineglow

X & Y is uninspired adult pop that drops jaws only in its capacity to elicit yawns. -Lost at Sea

Monochromatic and underwhelming. -Under the Radar

When he moans his verses, Mr. Martin can sound so sorry for himself that there's hardly room to sympathize for him, and when he's not mixing metaphors, he fearlessly slings clich├ęs.
-New York Times

Just thought I'd brighten your day by justifying my hatred of all things Coldplay.

No comments: