Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Those Lyrics Are Bad...Or Are They Good?

I love it when pretentious english major wanna-be's are allowed to write words. I especially love it when Pitchforkmedia.com allows these hacks to review albums. This guys name is Tom Breihan.

In reference to the lyrics in the chorus of the Swizz Beatz joint "It's Me Bitches":

On that track, he huffs and puffs, grunting a lot and saying absolutely nothing, repeating the same verses twice, attempting to make a hook out of "chillin' in my Beamer, listening to 'Ether'" despite the fact that "Beamer" doesn't even come close to rhyming with "Ether."

Actually, yes it does. It definitely comes close. They end with "-mer" and "-ther", and they both have the long E vowel sound. As you can tell, am I not a professor of grammar. I'm pretty good at spelling, and I love "the hip hop music", as crotchety old farts would refer to it.

But it doesn't take a fucking genius to realize that "ether" and "beamer" come close to rhyming. It's almost the definition of coming close. This guy is all about perpetuating the myth that producers can't rhyme (see KRS-One, Ced Gee, Madlib, Kanye). Well, stop it.

After decrying the shortcomings of "It's Me Bitches", this gem follows:

And yet "It's Me, Bitches" is one of the best rap singles of the year.

Wha-wha-what?! Since when? I thought you said that the lyrics ruined the song? Wait, let's go over what you just said:

"It's Me, Bitches" is a forceful and mindless dumb-out classic, and it feels like a glorious fluke, the sort of success that could not possibly repeat itself.

What?! Just because the lyrics aren't on par with "Microphone Fiend" or "Unbelievable"? What about 50 Cent, he who can't rap for shit? Are we going to hold him up to the same standards? No? Cool, I was just making sure your argument is as bullshit as it sounds.

Also, this classic by Swizz Beatz is a fluke? He's been producing records since he was 16 and the motherfucker avoids samples like they were shit on a stick. He produced beats for T.I., Jay Z, even my man R Kelly knows Swizz's shit. Doesn't sound like a fluke to me. Sounds like he knows what he's doing.

He delivers all his lyrics in a breathless bark and repeats himself constantly: one song after "chillin' in my Beamer, listening to 'Ether,'" he's "cruisin' in that Lambo, lookin' like Rambo." He sounds utterly elated to be rapping, blissfully unaware that virtually every line is a certifiable clunker.

This drives me batshit insane. How can Pitchfork be so hard on rhyming producers, but they let 50 Cent slide. 50 Cent, the guy who directly rips off Schooly D and sounds like a fucking dweeb while doing it.

Pitchfork gave The Massacre 7 out of 10!!! And they freely admit that the lyrics were weak as fuck!! I demand a little fucking consistency here!

Tom Breihan then makes a fatal error:

Confusingly, the track is billed as featuring Chris Martin, but that guest-appearance turns out to just be a sample from "X&Y", which isn't even a good Coldplay song.

Awful. Not just the fact that Coldplay is on this record, but look at that last fragment: "...which isn't even a good Coldplay song." Tom believes there is a "good" Coldplay song. This guy lives a lie. He operates under the belief that Coldplay COULD be good. What a sad sad man.

Quite frankly, Tom is wrong, very wrong. He may even be superdrunk. He essentially negates his entire argument with the final sentence.

Meanwhile, Swizz is a whole lot better off yelling over sirens and talking about his money.


You spend the entire article deriding him for stupid lyrics...

And then you tell him he's better off, "Yelling over sirens and talking about his money."

I won't often say this as clearly, but you're a fucking idiot.

1 comment:

Shatraw said...

i beg your pardon, sir. as a pretentious english major, i take the deepest offense to your contentions. your myopic comprehension of criticism's loftier hallmarks speaks volumes to what diminutive worth you offer as a human being. why, if it wasn't for the very fact that i am so indefatigably scanning the very bowels of my vocabulary to compose this very rebuke, i'd tell you straight and proper to "fuck off!"

but seriously, that guy is a douchetooth.