Sunday, November 18, 2007

John Mayer loves to whip you

Look, it's too easy, but when you turn your celebrity-bashing site into a media forum I have the right to criticize your opinions. Especially when you become a promoter for artists. And the artist is hilariously "Serious."

Say what you need to say about him as a person, John Mayer does make really pretty songs.

Ugh. This smacks of a payoff. Internet payola is a horrible thing.

We LOVE pretty songs!

I understand that Perezhilton needs writers at this point, but really?! So well written, so easy to digest, yes, someone dropped some dough on this piece.

Say is a tune Mayer wrote for the upcoming Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman film The Bucket List, and it’s quite majestic.

There’s a full string section and everything!

Wow, a full string section! That's unbelievable! I've never heard of such a thing. In the history of rock, folk, blues and pop, I have never heard of a combination of singer/songwriter with a full string section.

Can I say that this Perezhilton blurb is getting weirder and weirder. And now we, the readers of his blog, become little tasty consumers, like tiny hotdogs wrapped in a delicate and flaky breading.

He may wannabe a rocker but John Mayer is a sensitive tunesman. This is a great new love song to add to his collection.

Enjoy Say below, exclusively on

Ughghghghgh. You do know what exclusively means, right? It means that Mayer's people signed a deal with Perezhilton, and the readers of his blog are being programmed to enjoy.

Fuck you perezhilton, you have become part of the machine you once mocked. Not too hard to believe though.

Also, the idea that John Mayer is a sensitive tunesman is just awesome considering his most famous hit, "Your Body Is a Wonderland" is a pervert tour-de-force. Remember these gorgeous verses?

we got the afternoon, 
you got this room for two.
one thing i've left to do,
discover me discovering you.
Still makes my skin crawl. This also makes no sense whatsoever. The last thing John Mayer has to do before engaging in coitus is you, the object of his affection, watching John Mayer discovering you. I'm trying to write this coherently, but it still doesn't wash. I understand his need to finish the rhyme scheme, but holy shit. How about: "One thing I've left to do, an afternoon of discovering you." See, it even references the first line of the verse. Soooooooo creepy.

And the chorus? Obviously written by a master fetishist.

Your body
Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland
While it's a relief that he'll only be using his hands (no toes or footplay please) the fact that this thought is in parenthesis leads me to believe that he has darker intentions planned for the future.

Your body
Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my clamped nipples)
Your body Is a wonderland
His darker intentions are revealed with every visit. Beware John Mayer, beware!!!

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