Thursday, January 14, 2010

Multiple Personalities: Avatar Apologist

Haven't seen Avatar yet, will when sufficiently inebriated. And yes, I know how hackneyed the plot is. I have four distinct movie-watching personalities:

1. Mr. Serious Q. Fartist

Any film from America is garbage. Linear plot lines are for philistines, and when possible film an entire movie from the first person angle. I want my films to be critiques of societal structure and cross-dressing schoolteachers. Bonus points if I have to look up what the film meant to understand it.

2. Mr. Giant Fucking Explosion

Any film with Jason Statham or Vin Diesel is immediately elite. Bronson, Norris and Lee Marvin are the godfathers of all modern film. Leave your feelings at the door, and if your plot has anything more than "guy kills things and fucks anyone," GO BACK TO THE EDITING ROOM.

3. Mr. Gaping Wounds

No films by Eli Roth belong in this category. He is a fucking hack. Meanwhile, Argento, late 70's early 80's Italian Zombie flicks and Death Race 2000 (The Original) are necessary viewing. Bonus points for horrific sound editing and people getting their eyes gouged out. Terrible jump cuts are a plus, as are child protagonists who watch their entire families get cut down by evil dwarves.

4. Mr. Battered Wives

It's four in the afternoon and you're rifling through channels when you find, "Under the Tuscan Sun." And two and a half hours later your jaw has hit the floor. Any film starring Tori Spelling is a must. Drunken stepfathers, spousal abuse, stalker ex-boyfriends and montages of crying menopausal women make this genre a must-watch.

I know full well Avatar will be vacant, and the Pocahontas rip-off is what it is. Need I bring up other examples of great films that are rip-offs of other works (The Departed, Kurosawa's major works, Disney fables, etc.)?

All that really matters is that sometimes, and only sometimes, I like being dumb. Really super duper dumb. A dumb dummy. Dumb.

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