the last word on avatar came from the inimitable IOZ some three weeks ago. there's nothing to add to that really.
just one point: the idea in this movie is that the oppressed people of the world have yet to resort to violence, and if only they would start killing people then the mean colonialists would leave, because if there's one thing that colonial forces are a-scared of, it's fighting
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
BECK V PALIN
think of glenn beck as a panicky, overserious muppet. this will help. but once you've taken this step you should really make the time to watch his show. it airs once at 5PM (for those ancient humans who eat dinner buffets at 5PM in places that have a TV tuned to fox news), and again at 2AM (for angry insomniac crackers, cleaning their guns and waiting for the internet to put up some new porn).
normally, it's just glenn gyrating in front of a blackboard, jotting down huge dollar amounts at random, calling obama a communist (if only...), and then saying: "hello? it makes sense!" sometimes he sits at his desk and the small filipino children he has chained under there have to start earning their keep.
today is different. today he's going toe to toe for the entire hour with the hottest thing to come within ten yards of john mccain since anti-aircraft fire, sarah palin. now i don't pretend to know what is going to be said during this hour, but as an ardent beck-watcher, i can promise you it is going to be absolutely fucking insane. imagine a romantic-type chick-flick in which every role is somehow played by either chris farley or jack black.
tonight. one night only. spend an hour with glenn and sarah, two of the craziest motherfuckers this great nation has to offer.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
On Simon Cowell's Buttock
Several news outlets are reporting that Simon Cowell will leave American Idol. As I have yet to watch a single episode of AI, two shits are appropriately given by the author. However, I love this choice quote he released:
"I just felt like doing something new."
I would feel the same way if I were Cowell. I would get sick of making 36 million dollars a season to sit in a chair and experience people making a spectacle of themselves. All that chair sitting is painful. If I'm Simon Cowell, I DO NEED A CHANGE. SHIT, I'MA GONNA CLIMBA MOUNTAIN. Anything, anything but sit in a chair all day rolling my eyes.
And Cowell's next endeavour...hosting X Factor, a talent show where the hosts...get ready...sit in chairs for hours on end, watching people make a spectacle of themselves.
You didn't need a change, Cowell. You needed to get away from Seacrest, he of the scary shiny teeth and permanent 5 o'clock shadow.
Meanwhile, hope your buttocks are ready for MORE SITTING.
what was that?
i had just written a long post ragging on the new vampire weekend album and review, only to find that the be-ringed j-temperance has returned from his year-long honeymoon. which is good, because his post was much better than mine.
so let me just say two things.
1) while this album certainly sucks, and certainly represents a whole lot of what i hate about all of my dweeby neighborhood-stealing artist friends who live in brooklyn, sales from this album will likely keep XL afloat for another year or two, and after all, they did give us thom yorke's solo album. win-fucking-win.
2) as long as you can still see tony dungy's wierdly-shaped head on TV, i will be putting my phootballs in your mouths in detail every friday. for now, i'll just say that charles woodson played one playoff game, and the opposing quarterback had more touchdowns (5) than incompletions (4). two days later, he's the nfl defensive player of the year. darrelle revis, today my mid-day joint is for you, and the award you should have won.
so let me just say two things.
1) while this album certainly sucks, and certainly represents a whole lot of what i hate about all of my dweeby neighborhood-stealing artist friends who live in brooklyn, sales from this album will likely keep XL afloat for another year or two, and after all, they did give us thom yorke's solo album. win-fucking-win.
2) as long as you can still see tony dungy's wierdly-shaped head on TV, i will be putting my phootballs in your mouths in detail every friday. for now, i'll just say that charles woodson played one playoff game, and the opposing quarterback had more touchdowns (5) than incompletions (4). two days later, he's the nfl defensive player of the year. darrelle revis, today my mid-day joint is for you, and the award you should have won.
Monday, January 11, 2010
On Vampire Weekend, Apologists
It's been a while, folk(s), and I'd like to thank Uticas for holding it down like a champion. I'll keep my future posts short and sweet-like.
1. Awesome call on the Cards/Packers shoot-out. Didn't watch any full game, but saw Ray Rice plow for 85 yards in the Ravens epic beat down and knew it was over.
2. Surprise surprise. Vampire Weekend is still making records. And Pitchfork gives them the good old lazy 8.6 for simply putting out a record.
I remember when the Strokes came out with their second record and someone at Rolling Stone said, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." This was an apology to music fans hoping that the Strokes showed any kind of musical growth. That's fine. It's not like the Ramones took any chances during their epic run in the late 70's. They didn't have to, and neither do VW. They are happy taking their sound to the bank. It works for them and they garner mass appeal. It's simple pop music with an INDIE label.
Meanwhile, this review is filled with useless word-count-inflating phrases, especially when describing the band's supposed ska and anti-grunge aesthetic. To wit:
Aren't all artists influenced by other art? What makes VW different? If Animal Collective derive their sound from late-60's post-psychedelic damage folk, does it make me like them any less?
If a tree falls on a music critic in the woods, will Elton John change the words of "Candle in the Wind" again?
1. Awesome call on the Cards/Packers shoot-out. Didn't watch any full game, but saw Ray Rice plow for 85 yards in the Ravens epic beat down and knew it was over.
2. Surprise surprise. Vampire Weekend is still making records. And Pitchfork gives them the good old lazy 8.6 for simply putting out a record.
Vampire Weekend sound like they've fallen in love with what they started and are hugging it tight without shame or apology.
I remember when the Strokes came out with their second record and someone at Rolling Stone said, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." This was an apology to music fans hoping that the Strokes showed any kind of musical growth. That's fine. It's not like the Ramones took any chances during their epic run in the late 70's. They didn't have to, and neither do VW. They are happy taking their sound to the bank. It works for them and they garner mass appeal. It's simple pop music with an INDIE label.
Meanwhile, this review is filled with useless word-count-inflating phrases, especially when describing the band's supposed ska and anti-grunge aesthetic. To wit:
Adopting what they adopt and rejecting what they reject might make Vampire Weekend look like pretenders, but they're not-- they're reactionaries.
Aren't all artists influenced by other art? What makes VW different? If Animal Collective derive their sound from late-60's post-psychedelic damage folk, does it make me like them any less?
If a tree falls on a music critic in the woods, will Elton John change the words of "Candle in the Wind" again?
Friday, January 8, 2010
Phootball Phriday: long weeked edition
so yeah, last week was bad. i pick the eagles to walk over the cowboys, and philly gets shut out. i pick the browns to drop their last game, and josh cribs runs them to their fourth straight win. i thought tennessee would cover a six point spread easily, and they failed to. yuk yuk yuk.
well, ok bitches, maybe you should just bet against my picks. like i give a fuck. the jets backed into the playoffs, which has put a pleasant, not cold-as-shit veneer all over everything this week. lucky for them, they go up against a team that they beat 37-0 all of five days ago. this is sort of favorable.
as for cincy, ever since chris henry got himself thrown from the back of a pick-up truck (always one of my favorite hobbies, riding in the back of pick-ups; had no idea i had cheated death so many times), the bengals clearly miss the compliment to ochocinco. without henry, cincy might have the most vanilla offense in the entire playoffs, which also bodes well for the jets' crazy-ass defense.
working against the jets is the fact that the game is being played in cincinatti, and marc sanchez still sucks for the moment. expect to see a lot of brad smith, a lot of punts, and a game determined by whether or not sanchez can loose it all by himself.
jets are two point underdogs. of course i don't like this, so fuck the bengals. jets by one million and fourteen.
the other saturday match-up is another where just last week the same two teams played and one looked like shit. i went with the eagles last week, because i thought their offense would be near impossible to contain. i feel even more certain of this after last week's embarrassing defeat. the eagles will not be shut out two weeks in a row by the same defense. swear to god.
philly's biggest problem would seem to be their linebackers, and look for dallas to exploit this weakness with their run game and with jason witten.
dallas' biggest problem? texas is full of fascists. eagles by ten.
the ravens should have beaten the patriots already this year. they lost that game, because there was a late 15-yard penalty for looking at tom brady cross-eyed (or trying to take him out below the knee, whatever). this time, wes welker is hurt. all you have to do is look at the way the patriots offense performed at the beginning of the season without welker. suddenly, you can afford to pressure brady, his timing is off with everyone else, plays don't develop long enough for randy moss to get down the field; totally different team.
while i would love to see the jets beat the patriots in the AFC championship, i would rather see the jets not have to play the colts next week. both wild cards advance. ravens by four.
finally, the packers may have made the cardinals look overmatched last week, but kurt warner has christ behind his arm. this is the kurt warner/tim tebow blessing, which outspoken evangelist quarterbacks utilize in order to play better than everyone else in a transparent attempt to mock and belittle atheists everywhere. well played, god. well played. cardinals win a shootout.
well, ok bitches, maybe you should just bet against my picks. like i give a fuck. the jets backed into the playoffs, which has put a pleasant, not cold-as-shit veneer all over everything this week. lucky for them, they go up against a team that they beat 37-0 all of five days ago. this is sort of favorable.
as for cincy, ever since chris henry got himself thrown from the back of a pick-up truck (always one of my favorite hobbies, riding in the back of pick-ups; had no idea i had cheated death so many times), the bengals clearly miss the compliment to ochocinco. without henry, cincy might have the most vanilla offense in the entire playoffs, which also bodes well for the jets' crazy-ass defense.
working against the jets is the fact that the game is being played in cincinatti, and marc sanchez still sucks for the moment. expect to see a lot of brad smith, a lot of punts, and a game determined by whether or not sanchez can loose it all by himself.
jets are two point underdogs. of course i don't like this, so fuck the bengals. jets by one million and fourteen.
the other saturday match-up is another where just last week the same two teams played and one looked like shit. i went with the eagles last week, because i thought their offense would be near impossible to contain. i feel even more certain of this after last week's embarrassing defeat. the eagles will not be shut out two weeks in a row by the same defense. swear to god.
philly's biggest problem would seem to be their linebackers, and look for dallas to exploit this weakness with their run game and with jason witten.
dallas' biggest problem? texas is full of fascists. eagles by ten.
the ravens should have beaten the patriots already this year. they lost that game, because there was a late 15-yard penalty for looking at tom brady cross-eyed (or trying to take him out below the knee, whatever). this time, wes welker is hurt. all you have to do is look at the way the patriots offense performed at the beginning of the season without welker. suddenly, you can afford to pressure brady, his timing is off with everyone else, plays don't develop long enough for randy moss to get down the field; totally different team.
while i would love to see the jets beat the patriots in the AFC championship, i would rather see the jets not have to play the colts next week. both wild cards advance. ravens by four.
finally, the packers may have made the cardinals look overmatched last week, but kurt warner has christ behind his arm. this is the kurt warner/tim tebow blessing, which outspoken evangelist quarterbacks utilize in order to play better than everyone else in a transparent attempt to mock and belittle atheists everywhere. well played, god. well played. cardinals win a shootout.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
phootball phriday: minutes before week 17 edition
the regular season ends tonight when bart scott decapitates carson palmer (worth the fifteen yard penalty) and the jets march into the playoffs. but since i've been wrong about the jets before this year, i'm gonna leave it up to the gods. so this one isn't a "pick", per se. more of a buffalo 66 situation where if jay feeley blows another game i'm gonna walk into his strip club and have a vivid waking dream of blowing his brains out. then i'll go home and spoon christina ricci.
if you want to make some money, find a legitimate gambling site based in barbados or something, and gamble on sports. if you have an addictive personality, like many of us, you'll never understand how you enjoyed football without it.
many of you may never understand how anyone enjoys football at all. to y'all i say, go ahead and enjoy your sunday. like many millions of my countrymen, i will be drunk by sundown.
the browns favored over jacksonville? please. brady quin is a certified bum, as his younger doppelganger jimmy clausen will surely be. true, the browns are only one and a half point favorites; but this mangini-driven trainwreck will close the season on a pathetic note, as mangini-driven trainwrecks tend to.
dallas is a three point favorite over the eagles, and i think that's just crazy. for some reason, philly never gets the respect they deserve. deshean jackson is the new randy moss. throw in a healthy brian westbrook, and the screen pass game he brings, and i'm not sure dallas has a chance. the only way for the boys: sneak TO in by having him wear roy williams' jersey.
the ravens will probably beat oakland. but not by ten points. oakland has won some stupid games this year, games against teams that absolutely shouldn't have lost to them. also don't let the hype fool you, the ravens defense has not done the job this year, and joe flacco isn't quite as good as he appeared last year. baltimore fails to cover the spread. JAMARCUS FTW!
titans are six point favorites against the seahawks. this isn't a big enough spread. vince young has lost only one game as a starter this year, and it was a relatively close call to peyton manning and the once-undefeated colts. young is going to "come out of nowhere" next year to lead his team deep into the playoffs, and in the process he's going to show that a mobile quarterback with a so-so arm and a god-awful release point can excel in today's NFL. this will make room for tim "i write bible verses on my eye black" tebow, who is going to crush at the next level, maybe in some wildcat type offense, maybe located in florida... vince young covers the spread, matt hasslebeck finally retires?
and that's my last lock of the regular season. take my advice, or remain helpless and poor. whatever.
if you want to make some money, find a legitimate gambling site based in barbados or something, and gamble on sports. if you have an addictive personality, like many of us, you'll never understand how you enjoyed football without it.
many of you may never understand how anyone enjoys football at all. to y'all i say, go ahead and enjoy your sunday. like many millions of my countrymen, i will be drunk by sundown.
the browns favored over jacksonville? please. brady quin is a certified bum, as his younger doppelganger jimmy clausen will surely be. true, the browns are only one and a half point favorites; but this mangini-driven trainwreck will close the season on a pathetic note, as mangini-driven trainwrecks tend to.
dallas is a three point favorite over the eagles, and i think that's just crazy. for some reason, philly never gets the respect they deserve. deshean jackson is the new randy moss. throw in a healthy brian westbrook, and the screen pass game he brings, and i'm not sure dallas has a chance. the only way for the boys: sneak TO in by having him wear roy williams' jersey.
the ravens will probably beat oakland. but not by ten points. oakland has won some stupid games this year, games against teams that absolutely shouldn't have lost to them. also don't let the hype fool you, the ravens defense has not done the job this year, and joe flacco isn't quite as good as he appeared last year. baltimore fails to cover the spread. JAMARCUS FTW!
titans are six point favorites against the seahawks. this isn't a big enough spread. vince young has lost only one game as a starter this year, and it was a relatively close call to peyton manning and the once-undefeated colts. young is going to "come out of nowhere" next year to lead his team deep into the playoffs, and in the process he's going to show that a mobile quarterback with a so-so arm and a god-awful release point can excel in today's NFL. this will make room for tim "i write bible verses on my eye black" tebow, who is going to crush at the next level, maybe in some wildcat type offense, maybe located in florida... vince young covers the spread, matt hasslebeck finally retires?
and that's my last lock of the regular season. take my advice, or remain helpless and poor. whatever.
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