phootball phriday: smoke while you read it

eight teams remain. only one team's players will have a super bowl XLIV ring to pawn in ten years. here we go.

the only pick i missed last week was the cowboys. i picked against them because i don't like the cowboys. i had to watch george w fucking bush celebrating in the owner's box of the new cowboys tv and stadium, fast becoming a mecca of sorts for middle america. how can you root for this team? in other news, people don't seem to think the vikings are all that strong right now, but in the second half of week 16 against the bears and then all day long against the giants, favre and company seemed unstoppable. and while the dallas defense is getting a lot of love for stymieing the eagles two weeks in a row, the vikings have too many offensive weapons, along with a serious edge in the return game. plus, i hear mall of america field is a really tough place to play. vikings by ten.

as for what i got right, kurt warner is god's quarterback. a lot of talk has been made about how defense ended the game last week. this is typical liberal media. god is love! warner needed to be completely focused, off the field, speaking directly to jesus with his mind. that's why the cardinals won. because jesus. will the lord spare new orleans? no chance. cards win another high-scoring game, but comfortably this time.

the ravens at the colts. baltimore lost a squeaker to the colts earlier in the season. since then, their running game/offensive line have gotten much better, and the coaches have learned to stop putting the game on a guy called flacco. unfortunately for devoted ravens fans everywhere, no one has proven that they can beat peyton manning this year. and don't be distracted by baltimore's shut-down of the welkerless patriots, the ravens defense has lost a step or two. that said, if the ravens win, then they might have to turn on the lights at the meadowlands one more time! back from the dead, now and forever, new jersey's finest football arena!!!! seriously, colts by a bit. manning to the afc championship.

where he will have his candy ass ripped apart by the new york jets. now i know the chargers have won some games. but this is exactly the sort of team that the jets are built to beat. they're soft against the run, they're absurdly pass-heavy, and they tend to need a lot of big plays to win a lot of squeakers. the jets will pound the rock, knock rivers on his ass, and maybe give up a couple big gains on screen passes, and a dig or two up the field to antonio gates. last i checked, san diego was a ten point favorite. crazy-talk. the jets will win handily. that is, of course, unless sachez throws eighteen interceptions.

and finally, on a personal note, allow me to say that gilbert arenas should not go to prison. as a culture, we get off on lynching random famous people, frequently black men, for just about anything. yeah, so he waved a gun around a locker room. so the fuck what? were you there? did you have to duck or something?

calmer than you are.

Booooooooooooiiiiinnngggggggggg

This Week in Creating the Indie Canon

Another day of music to review at Pitchfork and another excuse to review another Animal Collective record. It's a reissue of Campfire Songs, one of their records I enjoy. The review is fill-in-the-blanks typical, references to swirling music, recording on a porch, mushroom trips and the inevitable conversation of how technology invades the band's "naturist" recordings.

Fine. It's just that once in a while I'd appreciate them talking about any other band. We get it. Animal Collective are the kings of Indie. They rooooool. Grizzly Bear is great. So are the Dirty Projectors. The hierarchy is established. Now is the time to talk up anyone else. ANYONE. Thanks.

Other news:

I, like most humans with a semblance of humor, enjoy Conan O'Brien. But guess what? Come February he won't have a show. Count it. I hope this is true, because Conan should be writing and producing amazing comedy outside the forum of a late night show. If he did an animated show, could you imagine the comedy-folk he could bring with him? Conan, force them to fire you, collect the severance and create your dream show. I implore you.

Multiple Personalities: Avatar Apologist

Haven't seen Avatar yet, will when sufficiently inebriated. And yes, I know how hackneyed the plot is. I have four distinct movie-watching personalities:

1. Mr. Serious Q. Fartist

Any film from America is garbage. Linear plot lines are for philistines, and when possible film an entire movie from the first person angle. I want my films to be critiques of societal structure and cross-dressing schoolteachers. Bonus points if I have to look up what the film meant to understand it.

2. Mr. Giant Fucking Explosion

Any film with Jason Statham or Vin Diesel is immediately elite. Bronson, Norris and Lee Marvin are the godfathers of all modern film. Leave your feelings at the door, and if your plot has anything more than "guy kills things and fucks anyone," GO BACK TO THE EDITING ROOM.

3. Mr. Gaping Wounds

No films by Eli Roth belong in this category. He is a fucking hack. Meanwhile, Argento, late 70's early 80's Italian Zombie flicks and Death Race 2000 (The Original) are necessary viewing. Bonus points for horrific sound editing and people getting their eyes gouged out. Terrible jump cuts are a plus, as are child protagonists who watch their entire families get cut down by evil dwarves.

4. Mr. Battered Wives

It's four in the afternoon and you're rifling through channels when you find, "Under the Tuscan Sun." And two and a half hours later your jaw has hit the floor. Any film starring Tori Spelling is a must. Drunken stepfathers, spousal abuse, stalker ex-boyfriends and montages of crying menopausal women make this genre a must-watch.

I know full well Avatar will be vacant, and the Pocahontas rip-off is what it is. Need I bring up other examples of great films that are rip-offs of other works (The Departed, Kurosawa's major works, Disney fables, etc.)?

All that really matters is that sometimes, and only sometimes, I like being dumb. Really super duper dumb. A dumb dummy. Dumb.

did you see avatar? it sucked.

the last word on avatar came from the inimitable IOZ some three weeks ago. there's nothing to add to that really.

just one point: the idea in this movie is that the oppressed people of the world have yet to resort to violence, and if only they would start killing people then the mean colonialists would leave, because if there's one thing that colonial forces are a-scared of, it's fighting

BECK V PALIN

think of glenn beck as a panicky, overserious muppet. this will help. but once you've taken this step you should really make the time to watch his show. it airs once at 5PM (for those ancient humans who eat dinner buffets at 5PM in places that have a TV tuned to fox news), and again at 2AM (for angry insomniac crackers, cleaning their guns and waiting for the internet to put up some new porn).

normally, it's just glenn gyrating in front of a blackboard, jotting down huge dollar amounts at random, calling obama a communist (if only...), and then saying: "hello? it makes sense!" sometimes he sits at his desk and the small filipino children he has chained under there have to start earning their keep.



today is different. today he's going toe to toe for the entire hour with the hottest thing to come within ten yards of john mccain since anti-aircraft fire, sarah palin. now i don't pretend to know what is going to be said during this hour, but as an ardent beck-watcher, i can promise you it is going to be absolutely fucking insane. imagine a romantic-type chick-flick in which every role is somehow played by either chris farley or jack black.

tonight. one night only. spend an hour with glenn and sarah, two of the craziest motherfuckers this great nation has to offer.

On Simon Cowell's Buttock

Several news outlets are reporting that Simon Cowell will leave American Idol. As I have yet to watch a single episode of AI, two shits are appropriately given by the author. However, I love this choice quote he released:

"I just felt like doing something new."

I would feel the same way if I were Cowell. I would get sick of making 36 million dollars a season to sit in a chair and experience people making a spectacle of themselves. All that chair sitting is painful. If I'm Simon Cowell, I DO NEED A CHANGE. SHIT, I'MA GONNA CLIMBA MOUNTAIN. Anything, anything but sit in a chair all day rolling my eyes.

And Cowell's next endeavour...hosting X Factor, a talent show where the hosts...get ready...sit in chairs for hours on end, watching people make a spectacle of themselves.

You didn't need a change, Cowell. You needed to get away from Seacrest, he of the scary shiny teeth and permanent 5 o'clock shadow.

Meanwhile, hope your buttocks are ready for MORE SITTING.