reviews for instrumental albums are short. not convinced? look.
it's a new album by rachel grimes, previously of the band rachel's. the album gets a 7.1, and three paragraphs.
jump to the end: "[The songs] have the feel of creativity accessed while in between encounters with other people. That time between is something we all need now and then, and this record resonates primarily because of how well it embodies the nourishment of aloneness."
and an editor saw this and said, "ah, fuck it. it's just the internet."
rachel's were a really good band. i can't speak to this new thing because i spend all my money on weed and diner food, leaving me without the means to buy shit at any of the no record stores left in new york.
go listen to rachel's. "systems/layers"
Monday, January 25, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
phootball phriday: i'm so right all the time edition
unless i decide to do a pro bowl edition (and if you're interested in placing a bet on the pro bowl, you are a degenerate gambler and you should probably call your parents), there are only two more opportunities to drop knowledge before we enter the long, knick-filled off-season. well, we should all expect tiny nate robinson to catch fire, and the knicks to retake their rightful throne as the beast of the east. but we'll leave that to another day.
for the moment, what the nfl calls championship weekend is coming up. now i've been on something of a roll in the playoffs (6-2), so part of me wants to quit while i'm ahead, and try doing the whole pregame show thing, where i tell you what each team needs to do to win and then watch the money roll in.
well there's no money. so fuck it.
turns out god doesn't want kurt warner to win a second super bowl. i'll admit that this surprised me. He kept boldin out of the game, He made every break go the saints' way, and He even knocked warner on his ass, almost as if to say "my son, it is time to retire." new orleans' has a terrific offense, perhaps the most explosive in the league (watch the flea-flicker from last sunday, if you doubt), but expect jared allen to foil that plan. however, if the saints are able to run between the tackles, and reggie bush seemed pretty unstoppable last week, they will neutralize the viking pass rush, and take advantage of a so-so secondary. as for the mall of america vikings, the cowboys were too soft last week. at least one of favre's touchdowns would have been intercepted by a half-decent corner, and the blowout score is misleading, as minnesota piled it on late. it's been a while since the vikings have played a team that can control the ball, even score touchdowns every now and then. a strong running game and a few more monster plays from bush, and favre will retire yet again, only to be resurrected next year in an effort to save the oakland raiders, which will fall short, yet again.
as for my dearly beloved jets, i watched every snap this season, and one of the joys has been that nobody takes them seriously. you get to feel like you're anti-establishment, but you don't have to stop watching Marines-sponsored pro sports. they may have the best defense in the league, but nobody's afraid of them. check with overpaid pansies carson palmer and phillip rivers to see how underestimating this defense works out. but here's the problem: manning. the chargers, the cardinals, the eagles... this has not been a great post-season for high-flying offenses. they don't seem capable of winning a dog fight. once the going gets tough, they get desperate and soft and start throwing dumb passes (which was kind of their game plan anyway). thing is, the colts are not a high-flying offense; they are an efficient offense. slowly but surely, small chunk by small chunk, they move the ball down the field until they're in the endzone. the jets are best at preying on video-game-type offenses, and may have trouble against a guy who knows that a six yard completion is actually good. additionally, manning gets the ball out of his hands before pressure gets to him, every time (he was sacked only ten times this year, and the texans had four of those all to themselves). this is also a problem for the jets, as manning comfortable in the pocket will be able to cut up any defense he sees.
further, manning runs the best two-minute offense maybe of all time, and the jets have an annoying habit of giving up game-winning touchdown drives in the last two minutes (atlanta, jacksonville, miami, just to name a few). this is the greatest mismatch in the game, colts offense against jets defense down the stretch. if the jets play their game successfully, it will come down to the final possession for indy. but personally, i'm anticipating a crushing last-second loss, followed by a colts-saints super bowl.
win or loose, though, the jets have made this blog exponentially more fun to write this year. for that i am very grateful. one more post about how much "real estate" sucks, and people would start to think i was obsessed.
for the moment, what the nfl calls championship weekend is coming up. now i've been on something of a roll in the playoffs (6-2), so part of me wants to quit while i'm ahead, and try doing the whole pregame show thing, where i tell you what each team needs to do to win and then watch the money roll in.
well there's no money. so fuck it.
turns out god doesn't want kurt warner to win a second super bowl. i'll admit that this surprised me. He kept boldin out of the game, He made every break go the saints' way, and He even knocked warner on his ass, almost as if to say "my son, it is time to retire." new orleans' has a terrific offense, perhaps the most explosive in the league (watch the flea-flicker from last sunday, if you doubt), but expect jared allen to foil that plan. however, if the saints are able to run between the tackles, and reggie bush seemed pretty unstoppable last week, they will neutralize the viking pass rush, and take advantage of a so-so secondary. as for the mall of america vikings, the cowboys were too soft last week. at least one of favre's touchdowns would have been intercepted by a half-decent corner, and the blowout score is misleading, as minnesota piled it on late. it's been a while since the vikings have played a team that can control the ball, even score touchdowns every now and then. a strong running game and a few more monster plays from bush, and favre will retire yet again, only to be resurrected next year in an effort to save the oakland raiders, which will fall short, yet again.
as for my dearly beloved jets, i watched every snap this season, and one of the joys has been that nobody takes them seriously. you get to feel like you're anti-establishment, but you don't have to stop watching Marines-sponsored pro sports. they may have the best defense in the league, but nobody's afraid of them. check with overpaid pansies carson palmer and phillip rivers to see how underestimating this defense works out. but here's the problem: manning. the chargers, the cardinals, the eagles... this has not been a great post-season for high-flying offenses. they don't seem capable of winning a dog fight. once the going gets tough, they get desperate and soft and start throwing dumb passes (which was kind of their game plan anyway). thing is, the colts are not a high-flying offense; they are an efficient offense. slowly but surely, small chunk by small chunk, they move the ball down the field until they're in the endzone. the jets are best at preying on video-game-type offenses, and may have trouble against a guy who knows that a six yard completion is actually good. additionally, manning gets the ball out of his hands before pressure gets to him, every time (he was sacked only ten times this year, and the texans had four of those all to themselves). this is also a problem for the jets, as manning comfortable in the pocket will be able to cut up any defense he sees.
further, manning runs the best two-minute offense maybe of all time, and the jets have an annoying habit of giving up game-winning touchdown drives in the last two minutes (atlanta, jacksonville, miami, just to name a few). this is the greatest mismatch in the game, colts offense against jets defense down the stretch. if the jets play their game successfully, it will come down to the final possession for indy. but personally, i'm anticipating a crushing last-second loss, followed by a colts-saints super bowl.
win or loose, though, the jets have made this blog exponentially more fun to write this year. for that i am very grateful. one more post about how much "real estate" sucks, and people would start to think i was obsessed.
Monday, January 18, 2010
mr. godfrey ho
more movie talk. j-temp previously listed some movie-watcher types, but i wanted to add the titular director to the conversation, godfrey ho of hong kong, maker of such beautiful classics as "robo vampire"; "ninja: extreme weapons" and "robo-kickboxer -- power of justice".
real fast, because i'm running out of internet: ho's genius was that he would shoot one very short movie (usually with british or american actors, for international distribution), and then buy the rights to an unfinished or otherwise unavailable asian film, and fuse the two together with editing and a dubbed script. the movies didn't make too much sense, and he had no problem frankenstein-ing two films from completely different countries, but as a result of this process, at his peak ho was capable of releasing over a dozen movies EACH YEAR!
one absolute classic: "ninja: the protector". it's the story of three cops trying to break one of hong kong's notorious money-counterfeiting/ninja clubs. it's also the story of a young man, a would-be model, who gets seduced by the bright lights and small titties of hong kong's fashion scene. he gets laid on the beach a lot, and the head cop is also a ninja who cracks the case and beats all the other ninjas.
the film was released in 1986. here's what else godfrey ho released that year:
Bionic Ninja
Ninja Ultimate Challenge
Clash of the Ninjas
Diamond Ninja Force
Golden Ninja Warrior
Ninja Destroyer
Ninja Dragon
Ninja Fantasy
Ninja Hunt
Shaddow Killers Tiger Force
The Ninja Squad
The Ultimate Ninja
Tough Ninja the Shadow Warrior
that's more than one full length movie every month. to godfrey ho, king of quantity not quality!
real fast, because i'm running out of internet: ho's genius was that he would shoot one very short movie (usually with british or american actors, for international distribution), and then buy the rights to an unfinished or otherwise unavailable asian film, and fuse the two together with editing and a dubbed script. the movies didn't make too much sense, and he had no problem frankenstein-ing two films from completely different countries, but as a result of this process, at his peak ho was capable of releasing over a dozen movies EACH YEAR!
one absolute classic: "ninja: the protector". it's the story of three cops trying to break one of hong kong's notorious money-counterfeiting/ninja clubs. it's also the story of a young man, a would-be model, who gets seduced by the bright lights and small titties of hong kong's fashion scene. he gets laid on the beach a lot, and the head cop is also a ninja who cracks the case and beats all the other ninjas.
the film was released in 1986. here's what else godfrey ho released that year:
Bionic Ninja
Ninja Ultimate Challenge
Clash of the Ninjas
Diamond Ninja Force
Golden Ninja Warrior
Ninja Destroyer
Ninja Dragon
Ninja Fantasy
Ninja Hunt
Shaddow Killers Tiger Force
The Ninja Squad
The Ultimate Ninja
Tough Ninja the Shadow Warrior
that's more than one full length movie every month. to godfrey ho, king of quantity not quality!
Friday, January 15, 2010
phootball phriday: smoke while you read it
eight teams remain. only one team's players will have a super bowl XLIV ring to pawn in ten years. here we go.
the only pick i missed last week was the cowboys. i picked against them because i don't like the cowboys. i had to watch george w fucking bush celebrating in the owner's box of the new cowboys tv and stadium, fast becoming a mecca of sorts for middle america. how can you root for this team? in other news, people don't seem to think the vikings are all that strong right now, but in the second half of week 16 against the bears and then all day long against the giants, favre and company seemed unstoppable. and while the dallas defense is getting a lot of love for stymieing the eagles two weeks in a row, the vikings have too many offensive weapons, along with a serious edge in the return game. plus, i hear mall of america field is a really tough place to play. vikings by ten.
as for what i got right, kurt warner is god's quarterback. a lot of talk has been made about how defense ended the game last week. this is typical liberal media. god is love! warner needed to be completely focused, off the field, speaking directly to jesus with his mind. that's why the cardinals won. because jesus. will the lord spare new orleans? no chance. cards win another high-scoring game, but comfortably this time.
the ravens at the colts. baltimore lost a squeaker to the colts earlier in the season. since then, their running game/offensive line have gotten much better, and the coaches have learned to stop putting the game on a guy called flacco. unfortunately for devoted ravens fans everywhere, no one has proven that they can beat peyton manning this year. and don't be distracted by baltimore's shut-down of the welkerless patriots, the ravens defense has lost a step or two. that said, if the ravens win, then they might have to turn on the lights at the meadowlands one more time! back from the dead, now and forever, new jersey's finest football arena!!!! seriously, colts by a bit. manning to the afc championship.
where he will have his candy ass ripped apart by the new york jets. now i know the chargers have won some games. but this is exactly the sort of team that the jets are built to beat. they're soft against the run, they're absurdly pass-heavy, and they tend to need a lot of big plays to win a lot of squeakers. the jets will pound the rock, knock rivers on his ass, and maybe give up a couple big gains on screen passes, and a dig or two up the field to antonio gates. last i checked, san diego was a ten point favorite. crazy-talk. the jets will win handily. that is, of course, unless sachez throws eighteen interceptions.
and finally, on a personal note, allow me to say that gilbert arenas should not go to prison. as a culture, we get off on lynching random famous people, frequently black men, for just about anything. yeah, so he waved a gun around a locker room. so the fuck what? were you there? did you have to duck or something?
calmer than you are.
the only pick i missed last week was the cowboys. i picked against them because i don't like the cowboys. i had to watch george w fucking bush celebrating in the owner's box of the new cowboys tv and stadium, fast becoming a mecca of sorts for middle america. how can you root for this team? in other news, people don't seem to think the vikings are all that strong right now, but in the second half of week 16 against the bears and then all day long against the giants, favre and company seemed unstoppable. and while the dallas defense is getting a lot of love for stymieing the eagles two weeks in a row, the vikings have too many offensive weapons, along with a serious edge in the return game. plus, i hear mall of america field is a really tough place to play. vikings by ten.
as for what i got right, kurt warner is god's quarterback. a lot of talk has been made about how defense ended the game last week. this is typical liberal media. god is love! warner needed to be completely focused, off the field, speaking directly to jesus with his mind. that's why the cardinals won. because jesus. will the lord spare new orleans? no chance. cards win another high-scoring game, but comfortably this time.
the ravens at the colts. baltimore lost a squeaker to the colts earlier in the season. since then, their running game/offensive line have gotten much better, and the coaches have learned to stop putting the game on a guy called flacco. unfortunately for devoted ravens fans everywhere, no one has proven that they can beat peyton manning this year. and don't be distracted by baltimore's shut-down of the welkerless patriots, the ravens defense has lost a step or two. that said, if the ravens win, then they might have to turn on the lights at the meadowlands one more time! back from the dead, now and forever, new jersey's finest football arena!!!! seriously, colts by a bit. manning to the afc championship.
where he will have his candy ass ripped apart by the new york jets. now i know the chargers have won some games. but this is exactly the sort of team that the jets are built to beat. they're soft against the run, they're absurdly pass-heavy, and they tend to need a lot of big plays to win a lot of squeakers. the jets will pound the rock, knock rivers on his ass, and maybe give up a couple big gains on screen passes, and a dig or two up the field to antonio gates. last i checked, san diego was a ten point favorite. crazy-talk. the jets will win handily. that is, of course, unless sachez throws eighteen interceptions.
and finally, on a personal note, allow me to say that gilbert arenas should not go to prison. as a culture, we get off on lynching random famous people, frequently black men, for just about anything. yeah, so he waved a gun around a locker room. so the fuck what? were you there? did you have to duck or something?
calmer than you are.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
This Week in Creating the Indie Canon
Another day of music to review at Pitchfork and another excuse to review another Animal Collective record. It's a reissue of Campfire Songs, one of their records I enjoy. The review is fill-in-the-blanks typical, references to swirling music, recording on a porch, mushroom trips and the inevitable conversation of how technology invades the band's "naturist" recordings.
Fine. It's just that once in a while I'd appreciate them talking about any other band. We get it. Animal Collective are the kings of Indie. They rooooool. Grizzly Bear is great. So are the Dirty Projectors. The hierarchy is established. Now is the time to talk up anyone else. ANYONE. Thanks.
Other news:
I, like most humans with a semblance of humor, enjoy Conan O'Brien. But guess what? Come February he won't have a show. Count it. I hope this is true, because Conan should be writing and producing amazing comedy outside the forum of a late night show. If he did an animated show, could you imagine the comedy-folk he could bring with him? Conan, force them to fire you, collect the severance and create your dream show. I implore you.
Fine. It's just that once in a while I'd appreciate them talking about any other band. We get it. Animal Collective are the kings of Indie. They rooooool. Grizzly Bear is great. So are the Dirty Projectors. The hierarchy is established. Now is the time to talk up anyone else. ANYONE. Thanks.
Other news:
I, like most humans with a semblance of humor, enjoy Conan O'Brien. But guess what? Come February he won't have a show. Count it. I hope this is true, because Conan should be writing and producing amazing comedy outside the forum of a late night show. If he did an animated show, could you imagine the comedy-folk he could bring with him? Conan, force them to fire you, collect the severance and create your dream show. I implore you.
Multiple Personalities: Avatar Apologist
Haven't seen Avatar yet, will when sufficiently inebriated. And yes, I know how hackneyed the plot is. I have four distinct movie-watching personalities:
1. Mr. Serious Q. Fartist
Any film from America is garbage. Linear plot lines are for philistines, and when possible film an entire movie from the first person angle. I want my films to be critiques of societal structure and cross-dressing schoolteachers. Bonus points if I have to look up what the film meant to understand it.
2. Mr. Giant Fucking Explosion
Any film with Jason Statham or Vin Diesel is immediately elite. Bronson, Norris and Lee Marvin are the godfathers of all modern film. Leave your feelings at the door, and if your plot has anything more than "guy kills things and fucks anyone," GO BACK TO THE EDITING ROOM.
3. Mr. Gaping Wounds
No films by Eli Roth belong in this category. He is a fucking hack. Meanwhile, Argento, late 70's early 80's Italian Zombie flicks and Death Race 2000 (The Original) are necessary viewing. Bonus points for horrific sound editing and people getting their eyes gouged out. Terrible jump cuts are a plus, as are child protagonists who watch their entire families get cut down by evil dwarves.
4. Mr. Battered Wives
It's four in the afternoon and you're rifling through channels when you find, "Under the Tuscan Sun." And two and a half hours later your jaw has hit the floor. Any film starring Tori Spelling is a must. Drunken stepfathers, spousal abuse, stalker ex-boyfriends and montages of crying menopausal women make this genre a must-watch.
I know full well Avatar will be vacant, and the Pocahontas rip-off is what it is. Need I bring up other examples of great films that are rip-offs of other works (The Departed, Kurosawa's major works, Disney fables, etc.)?
All that really matters is that sometimes, and only sometimes, I like being dumb. Really super duper dumb. A dumb dummy. Dumb.
1. Mr. Serious Q. Fartist
Any film from America is garbage. Linear plot lines are for philistines, and when possible film an entire movie from the first person angle. I want my films to be critiques of societal structure and cross-dressing schoolteachers. Bonus points if I have to look up what the film meant to understand it.
2. Mr. Giant Fucking Explosion
Any film with Jason Statham or Vin Diesel is immediately elite. Bronson, Norris and Lee Marvin are the godfathers of all modern film. Leave your feelings at the door, and if your plot has anything more than "guy kills things and fucks anyone," GO BACK TO THE EDITING ROOM.
3. Mr. Gaping Wounds
No films by Eli Roth belong in this category. He is a fucking hack. Meanwhile, Argento, late 70's early 80's Italian Zombie flicks and Death Race 2000 (The Original) are necessary viewing. Bonus points for horrific sound editing and people getting their eyes gouged out. Terrible jump cuts are a plus, as are child protagonists who watch their entire families get cut down by evil dwarves.
4. Mr. Battered Wives
It's four in the afternoon and you're rifling through channels when you find, "Under the Tuscan Sun." And two and a half hours later your jaw has hit the floor. Any film starring Tori Spelling is a must. Drunken stepfathers, spousal abuse, stalker ex-boyfriends and montages of crying menopausal women make this genre a must-watch.
I know full well Avatar will be vacant, and the Pocahontas rip-off is what it is. Need I bring up other examples of great films that are rip-offs of other works (The Departed, Kurosawa's major works, Disney fables, etc.)?
All that really matters is that sometimes, and only sometimes, I like being dumb. Really super duper dumb. A dumb dummy. Dumb.
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