Friday, January 25, 2008

Simon Cowell, thou art an ass-face!

I love metacritic. Especially for posting reviews of ex-American Idols albums. For the record I believe only two members of American Idol (Carrie Underwood, Chris Daughtry) have any kind of career, Carrie thanks to her sudden switch to Christian Nashville, Daughtry thanks to record company. Clay Aiken continues to thrive on his "I'm tiny and probably gay" thing, and Ruben Studdard is still fat and has been dropped by his label. Taylor Hicks? Dropped from the label. That idiot white kid who beat boxed with Doug E. Fresh? Who cares?

This brings up another point: White people, you should not be beat-boxing. I'm white, I should know. Do you know what beatboxing is when white people take part? It's called acapella percussion. Did I just make you throw up? Good, at least you're not beatboxing anymore, asshole.

Anyways, I was perusing metacritic and found reviews of Jordan Sparks (this past year's Idol winner) new record. An eponymous release, the album received middling reviews from critics who obviously could not give less than a damn. Also, users chimed in, which is where the fun is truly begotten!!! Note: the albums are rated from 0 (terrible) to 10 (perfect).

Max A. gave it a 3:
Melinda Doolittle better than her.

This is sad as all hell. Max gave the record a bad score because he thought a different contestant deserved to win. Oh sad. He actually watched the show. He's basing his analysis on chagrin. Amazing.

Nick C. gave it a 0:
You know "music journalism" is in the sh.thole when this dumb slut gets good reviews. Pure corporate soulless auto-tuned garbage.

Ah, a man of my own tastes. Notice how he censors the word "sh.t" and then proceeds to call jordin a "dumb slut". Nothing like a little auto-tuning to make your ears bleed with outrageously perfect pitch.

Tikiri K gave it a 9:
An incredible effort for a debut CD - cutting edge R&B with modern POP inflections. The vocals are smoother than can be expected fro a 17 year old.

Dear Tikiri, please read Nick's section about auto-tuning. It should explain the unexpected vocal smoothness. Thanks.

Jonathan F. gave it a 3:
Honestly, how critics can respect artists like Jordan Sparks and Carrie Underwood more than Kelly Clarkson is beyond me.

This one threw me for a loop. At first, I was like, "Hey, he doesn't like the record. Maybe he'll say something snarky." And then I was like, "Oh. So you gave her a negative review for receiving better press than Kelly Clarkson?" Sad. I don't even know what to say. How do you measure past winners against each other (besides having a new season where past winners battle for right to say "Hey, I beat everyone else! I'ma gonna have a record contract!" and then they get dropped and end up having a career in informercials. Woof.

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