Thursday, December 27, 2007

Top Records of 2007 part 2

That's what I'm talking about! Let's up the ante here, I'm not saying don't be funny, I'm saying surround your fun with facts.

This is getting gross. I sound like a fucking 7th grade science teacher.

In other news, I faintly remembered this headline from about 2 weeks ago.

"Daughtry is No. 1 Album of 2007."

I've been in shock for a while since even reading the headline. Yeah, I dig, he's got American Idol behind him, and Clive Davis and Tommy Mottola and Clive Owen and whoever else, but still:

"Daughtry is No. 1 Album of 2007."

According to the Billboard, Daughtry's band (who he named after himself) sold 3.2 million copies of their eponymous debut. This is fucking crazy. I really have a hard time grasping this. Who are these people? I guess there are a lot of kids and generally confused adults out there, but 3.2 million of them? Guess what was number 2?

Don't worry, it was just teenager-touching Akon, who wrote a song about how sorry he was that people saw him dry-humping the shit out of a 14 year old girl. Not since Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" has an artist made mad scrilla thanks to personal tragedy. But this is different. I guess America loves kid touchers (I mean, even I have a soft spot for R Kelly. And Pete Townshend. And Bill Halley. And Chuck Berry.).

Number 3 record of the year? Oh, don't worry, it makes perfect sense. It's the soundtrack to a fucking television show! And the star of the show? Billy Ray Fucking Cyrus's daughter!! This list is great! What's even better is that it is based on facts! Not even in my wildest dreams could I come up with a more asinine list of musical performers.

But there's more!!!

Remember that girl from Kid's Incorporated? You know, that girl, who sang and also danced? Neither do I, and I watched that fucking show. And now I have to remember her, because her name is (annoyingly) Fergie and she sold the fourth most albums in America.

My beef with Fergie is this: When her first song with the Black Eyed Peas came out, I really thought that it was Fergie, you know, THE Fergie, married into the British monarchy, etc. "What a great ridiculous idea!" I mused. How wrong was I? Oh, you know, very wrong. Also, doesn't it look like Kermit the Frog is always about to burst out of Fergie's plasticized face?

In the end, we all the know the Pop Machine's evil ways. The Pop Machine is insatiable, it needs to feed the children of the world with outrageously disposable music, and this music must be super-compressed, super-auto-tuned, robot-written and hyphen-enducing.

Billboard magazine, your facts can eat my nuts.

Besides this final fact:

T-Pain's wonderfully titled "Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin) was the 5th best single of the year.

Taking crunk to a Prince-like level, T-Pain waxes poetic over his newfound female companion.

"baby girl what's your name
let me talk to ya"

Because nothing turns a woman on like saying, "Let me talk to ya."

"let me buy you a drank im t-pain you know me
convict music, nappy boy ooowee
i know the club close at 3
whats the chances of you rollin wit me"

This is good. If I was a teacher, and I based my grades on narrative structure, I would give him an A-. Good story, if not a little trite and overdone. If I based my grades on structure of verse and rhyme scheme, I would give him a B-. Believe me, if this wasn't Crunk (a genre that celebrates its limited verbosity as a testament to the lazy ears of its listeners) I would fail T-Pain in less than a second. Uh oh, can't rhyme anything with "nappy boy?" And the next line ends with 3? Just throw a fucking "OOOWEE!" in there and your dilemma is solved.

This is how you make a hit record.


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