phootball phriday: no one reads this blog edition

this blog was once about music journalism, but then j-temperance tempered his ance, while still finding the time to pick up tennis AND get married. as the sole remaining proprietor i swiftly turned it into a football blog and then just as swiftly abandoned the whole fucking thing. a lot's happened in the last bunch of years, but once again i'm unemployed, single and broke -- at times like these, i like to take deep breaths every morning and just reflect on how life itself is pretty much in my wheelhouse.

to top it all off, it's every economically frivolous american man's favorite season: the regular season.

hey there sports fan.

it's unwise to bet on the nfl in week 2. we really don't know anything yet. for instance, how impressive really will the falcons' 40 points against kansas city, or the jets' 48 against buffalo, appear once the full season's played out? one glance at the chiefs schedule shows five or six games in which they could easily give up 40 or more points (saints, chargers twice, ravens, steelers, broncos), so it would maybe be unwise to assume matt ryan will be able to keep up with peyton manning and the broncos in week 2. then again, ryan has a sick pair of receivers in jones and white, and maybe the falcons offense is a powerhouse this season. maybe they finally can be a top tier team.

my point is, who knows?

as it happens, the writemare knows. our loyal readers will see a few predictions every week here at this blog. well, not predictions, really -- more like psychic episodes. we have powers. we can visualize to a frightening degree of accuracy every match-up, every play call, every "fluke" pre-game injury. nothing in time or space can escape our vision, and also jobs are for losers and women, just like body wash, dental floss, and the visual arts.

this week the geniuses in kingston or henderson, nevada or wherever the fuck have decided that the eagles are the favorites over baltimore on sunday. this is craziness. the ravens will not only cover the spread, but will most likely roll in this game. mike vick turned the ball over five times, and mccoy even added a fumble, against an extremely inexperienced defense in cleveland. the odds of the eagles suddenly putting it all together against a veteran ravens D that will once again finish in the top 10 are long, to say the least.
meanwhile, the ravens have a newfangled no-huddle offense that seems to be a pretty finely tuned machine at this point. the eagles D hasn't put up many consistent performances in the last few years, so expect flacco and rice both to have strong games. take the ravens this week in what's apparently an upset. because last week the eagles almost lost to brandon weeden, and he had one of the worst days at quarterback in the history of the league.

the raiders are two and a half point favorites in miami, but lebron james isn't clutch so i'll go with the thunder in this one.
this has the potential to be the worst game on the entire nfl schedule this year. both teams were hilariously awful at holding onto the ball in week 1, there isn't a single quality wide receiver on either roster, one quarterback is a horrible rookie and the other is a horrible wash-up… basically this is a mexican standoff between two moody, over-rated halfbacks who can't stay healthy for a full 16 games.
the uticas key to success (brought to you by kfc's new "chicken little"): ryan tannehill is a fucking terrible football player with an entirely terrible offense around him, so in spite of the fact that the raiders will be lucky to finish with over six wins, i think it's a safe bet that this'll be one of them.

jacksonville will give the texans a tough game (blaine gabbert has improved), and the same goes for the jets in pittsburgh, but i expect both underdogs to fall just short. (are you reading sanchez? that's called the reverse jinx.)

lastly, as firstly, i'll look at the denver-atlanta game. oddsmakers are still underselling peyton manning. while it's possible that, after effortlessly demolishing a far superior steelers defense, manning might suddenly recall that he's hurt and this is supposed to be a rebound year for him, the wise thing to do is to assume the dude's offense is good for at least four touchdowns a game (as it has been for over a decade).
the question, then, is whether or not the falcons can keep pace in a shootout, and here i'm gonna put my money on denver's extremely solid defense. look for von miller to get into the backfield against a still untested falcons o-line. also, the falcons will be forced to throw down the field, which will allow tracey porter and champ bailey to jump routes and maybe turn the game on an interception.

so to review: ravens over eagles, raiders over dolphins, broncos over falcons, jaguars to cover the spread against the texans, and a reverse jinx on my jets.