A Reflection

A nice, standard drumset. Pretty crazy, right. Just wanted to give some perspective when considering

THIS!



You can learn more about Mike at extremesportdrumming.com, where you are encouraged to enjoy

THE LONGEST 60 SECONDS OF YOUR LIFE!

This website makes me happy.

And through sheer coincidence do I provide you with this guy.

Strap It On, Thine Drum Boner

Boing!!!

World, Meet Ron Frazier

Look at this guy. Now close your eyes and open them again. Notice the determined look on his face, the passion of his ruffled purple shirt, the tenacity of his mullet, all these things are signs of one man and one man alone:

Ron Frazier.

Ron loves his drums so much he paid to have a semi-professional photo taken with them. The drop cloths really create a dramatic environment, kind of a come-hither look.

By the way, Ron has some news for you:

1. I shit you not, I seriously have been playing drums since I was 3 years old.
2. No, I really am serious about #1.
3. Yes I actually use all of the drums in my kit, and I don't mean once in a while, I mean all of the time.
4. Yes, the noise drives my neighbors nuts. Once upon a time, they even used to call over and complain, until we told them off. Now they don't bug us anymore. I'm sure they still hate it, they just don't tell me about it.
5. Yes, of course my favorite band is Rush. Any drummer who doesn't think so is on drugs.
6. Yes, I think Nirvana's drummer (or just the whole band in general) SUCKS! And again, anyone who doesn't think so is on drugs.
7. And, yes! I absolutely, positively, honestly, swear to god on my life, have been playing drums since I was 3 years old, so don't ask me again!

This guy is my fucking hero. Anyone who doesn't agree with him is obviously on drugs. Nirvana sucks, Rush rules. He uses all the drums in his kit, goddamn it. Also, he's anti-neighbor, what's not to like here?

And of course he's obsessed with Neil Peart. Remember him?


Did you hear that metallic clink?

Yeah, that was your drum boner knocking into your drum belt buckle. Deal with it!

And to our left is Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band. This must have been a ridiculously great time, even with the rumors of a prison-like experience while rehearsing for Trout Mask Replica. Whatevs, the dude on the right with the 'fro is the shit.

You'll then notice John French, the man under the bridge at the bottom of the photo.

The man knows how to play the drums, but my true turning point was a cut from the Mirrorman Sessions. "Kandy Korn" is an epic ride, guided by the thumping and cracking drums, jangly guitar patterns and strange, brief group vocals.

John French drums like a man possessed, and indeed, he probably was. Eventually, because of Christ's calling/being broke, French left the Magic Band and disappeared into relative anonymity.

He stormed back for the brilliant Doc at the Radar Station. Becoming disenchanted once more, Beefheart's chief musical lieutenant pulled out, never to play with him again.

Only the drum set-up remains...

Alright, I couldn't find one of those dorky diagrams, but whatevs, the dude fucking rules, even as an old man.

This post is quickly dissolving into nothing.

Quick, look at this!

Rock and Roll NBA Foreva

Yup. Manute Bol and Muggsy Bogues know how to fucking rock shit up!* If only the hippo had a bigger drum kit...also, what kind of music would they play?

Discuss.

*Thanks to JJ for pointing out that I confused my tiny guards. No disrespect meant towards Spud, Mugsy, Earl Boynkins, basically everyone who's small but rocks with a huge heart.

It's been a long couple of posts, this one will be brief. As much as it may sound like I want to physically harm these critics, I don't. Sometimes I just want to read a record review that talks about the music.

In these glorious days of watered-down media that is shared between 5 huge companies, it's easy for stuff to fall through the cracks.

Like this guy, being swallowed from all sides by a ridiculously great drum set up. That guy's gonna have to get to makin' some drummin' babies or most of the those drums will go through life without ever being touched.

In order to play all of these drums, the stickman would have to held in midair by cables so he could hover and glide around. Not sure how he would man the kick, but who gives.

Stuff I've been listening to lately:

Pearls Before Swine: Amazing late 60's to mid 70's acid folk. The original masters were lost a while ago, so if you want to hear what your parents blazed to, find the vinyl. Otherwise, the CD I have of the first two records is great (try to avoid wasting the money and get them together, fool!). One Nation Underground and Balaklava are both packed with obscure goodies, like the ghostly clavinet on "Another Time" and the broken-down garage of "Uncle John", coupled with the power of "I Saw the World" as Rapp calls and a full orchestra responds. Aging acid-heads can't be wrong!


Neil Young - On the Beach

I don't just like that Neil 'cause he hates critics. This record is almost flawless in my mind. The mood of the music, the talent of the players, the emotional depth of the songs, it's all here. Coupled with one of Neil's best album covers, song for song you can't do better. Graham Nash stops by to blaze and play electric keys on the title track, Rusty Kershaw plays some unbelievably beautiful microphone-knocking fiddle, and half of the The Band make "Vampire Blues" shudder and stomp. Neil actually chased super-engineer Al Schmidt away from the recordings with his band's antics. Made under the influence of honey sliders (pot cooked in a lot butter and honey), this record kicks ass and takes names, and then the second side lets you float into the sea with all of your friends.

J Dilla - Donuts

This record just keeps growing and growing on me. It's bar none the best hip-hop record of last year, despite Clipse's attempts to win my heart over with their crack deal swagger. Almost 40 tracks, packed to the brim with more ideas than 20 Neptunes records put together, all with the now-familiar chugging beats and swirling psychedelic neo-soul grind. I can't start my day with hearing "Workinonit", it just doesn't happen. Even though it sounds dense, the beats are usually simple as all hell. As my good friend Jonathan would say, Soooooooooooooooooooo good.

Drum Boner Shout-out, Mattraw Style

FUCK YOU, I'M NEIL PEART!!!

Guess what, you suck at the drums. In fact, the only way you could be useful to the percussive world is if you wriggled your way into his drumset, and stood there all night, waiting for Neil to wail you with a drumstick. Understand this:

It's a drum boner, and you have one right now.

Tortured Bouts of Self-Restraint (The Demon)

The title refers to a music critic's inner demon. This demon speaks to the critic, whispering in his Paid-to-Listen-to-Music Ear, saying, "You hate this band and what they represent. Find a way to discreetly insert your hatred into the review, tell your minions to ignore this album!" This demon is everywhere, and wants to be heard. Bands like Korn attract these demons naturally. They've been around for a while, they've been successful and they had that awesome song with the bag-pipes. So here they come again, with another record, and surprise! They've grown up, a little.

Basically, NME, a mecca of passable music reviews, has let Mike Sterry listen to the chirp of his little red friend. Actually, I think I found Mike's demon, a bicycle clad fellow with a wonderful problem. The demon is happy. Mike has given in to his darker impulse, and the demon shows his satisfaction.

It's a well-known fact that Korn represent everything that's wrong with metal ever.

Hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Blatant generalization: Check. Also, he's wrong. I think that this guy represent everything that's wrong with metal:But that's just my opinion, man.

Case in point: 'Kiss' - Korn's take on Nine Inch Nails' 'Closer', which only serves to remind you to listen to the latter.

How does the song 'Kiss' remind me to listen to 'Closer?' Mayhaps we will receive an explanation?

But, there's a single beam of light slicing through every shit-coloured cloud - and Korn have theirs.

Nope, not a single word that compares the music of those songs. So, we've got nothing but the image of a shit-coloured cloud, and Mike holding the flashlight that pierces said cloud.

'Hold On' is brilliant because it reminds you of the metal clubs you found yourself accidentally having a good time in when town had nothing else to offer.

Translation: The demon is my friend. We hate metal together, and I only accidentally like metal. Sometimes.

Also, what does the song sound like? I heard that Terry Bozzio is drumming on it. Here is his drum set up:If you don't have a huge drum boner right now, you never will. Ever.

Then there's 'Love And Luxury', which is like a meeting of Nine Inch Nails and Oingo Boingo. 'Innocent Bystander' also merits a mention, if only because it sounds like the music Transformers make love to.

Oh wow, I love this section of the MUSIC review. More influences are tossed around without a mention of a single note of music. And then he delivers with a vomit burp of a Transformers joke/reference. Great. Where's the music?

And therein lies the rub. Korn's eighth is actually an interesting listen; as diverse as the witless art of nu-metal gets. That doesn't mean it's good. It merely leaves us with a numbing dilemma: we want to hate it, but we can't.

Nothing like an abrupt about face when faced with ending a review. Wiping one's hands clean by nullifying the previous three paragraphs is a dirty deed. Also, do you know what is more witless and artless than nu-metal? Your review of music. It's terrible. You don't understand music, so you get by with references and sarcasm.

Also, by writing nothing about the music included on the album(who produced it, who mixed it, who arranged the compositions, who's still in the band) you have succeeded in one thing alone.

Giving your demon a boner.